Cages of Love

Chapter three

He's gone again.

Another day in my life where I wake up and William isn't there, it's honestly fucking great to know that I have a man in my life who I consider my boyfriend but he doesn't even have the decency to stay in bed with me until I wake up after having sex all night. William doesn't even leave a note to say "Have work babe, had to go" or the fact that I've never gotten the whole breakfast in bed routine that every girl gets at least once in their life. Waking up without William there always makes me feel so worthless or like I was a one night stand for him. Don't misunderstand me, the sex is great but I just don't know how much more I have to do to get him to actually say I'm his girlfriend or stay. I just woke up about ten minutes ago and this is my third cigarette, my student loan bills are stacked up so high in my kitchen, my cat seems miserable on my couch, I'm clearly living the dream. I put out my cigarette and head to take a shower while my coffee is getting brewed. I'm wearing William's shirt and I am so tempted to burn it with everything else of his in this apartment, how could I let myself go like this? I've been with William like this for two and a half years and although I put up with all this bullshit I continue to stay. There is just something about him that drives me absolutely crazy, it could be more than one thing actually. The smell of his Tommy Hilfiger cologne, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles or laughs, his arms, his hands, especially when he's on his motorcycle.

In the shower washing my hair, he is all I can think of, I just remember when we use to play fight and shower together and now it's still love but it's a weird tough love. We are always fighting even when I am not trying to fight, last week we fought about pillowcases at Macy's. I miss William and Danni, the William and Danni who were always kissing and being extremely passionate in places that we definitely shouldn't have been. Now, it's the same routine over and over, he comes home from work and he goes straight to the kitchen, eats anything he finds and then wants to cuddle or mainly get kinky. I'm so in love with him. I know it sounds like I'm disgusted with him and it's because I am, but I also love all of his flaws because they make me comfortable to be me as well. After getting out of the shower I can smell my coffee and that instantly made me feel better. I've put on some make up so I don't look too bad today. Today is Saturday and I don't have work or classes tonight and of course William isn't here. I'm stuck with my thoughts all alone for today and I can't even recall the last time I've talked to my mom, her and I never had the best relationship. To my mom I was always the girl who wasn't pretty enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't woman enough. It was and just won't ever be enough. I've become emotionally and physically exhausted with everyone because they always think so little of me.

According to my mother, I was always Danielle the slut, the girl who hung out with too many boys and had no girlfriends. I'll never forget the first day that I disobeyed what my mother wanted from me, I was never allowed to go out anywhere or technically have any friends or a social life. That day still brings me joy because it was my first day to be the girl I wanted to be all my life, it was the day I first hung out with William and went on a motorcycle. I'll never forget the way his lips tasted that night, they were sweet and perfectly shaped. We had went to the park and just talked for hours and kissed. The first guy to ever take a real honest interest in me for my mind and not just my body, he wanted that sense of companionship that I wanted. I turned my phone off and sneaked out to be with him, it was the first time I had not a single care in the world. The first time I didn't have to feel ashamed to be a woman or rather to just be me. My mother has always had such a huge hold over me and my life and the way I am suppose to present myself or the way I am suppose to look at men as if all of them just want me for my body and nothing else. It's funny when I continue to look back at it now that I am getting older because she is the one who made me feel like all I had to offer is my body, not a single man I've met has made me feel this way yet, not even William. I know that William is in love with me but he's only told me once and he never does say it back when I say it to him, apparently he says "I don't need to say it constantly if you know it in your heart." Though it wouldn't hurt to be reminded. I have this painting on my wall that I bought at a gallery one day back when William and I had our first break up, it's a vibrant painting of a dainty little black birdcage. The tiny blue bird is trying to go back inside the cage after he's already left and the door is closing. That day I felt like that blue bird, I felt afraid to live in a world without William and afraid to experience it without him. I bought the painting and hung it up in my living room to remind me of how lost I would be without him and how I have to stay with him and make this work. The first time I showed William the painting he told me it was as beautiful as I was but he had no idea what the painting meant to me and he just didn't see it the way I did. The painting was a sign for me that day. It may sound crazy but there are just guys in this life that you need to keep around because of how strong the love is. I've been sitting here drinking my coffee, looking at this painting and thinking this is where I should be, isn't it? He is the one I need, isn't he? William loves me more than I love myself and I love him more than I love myself. That is how strong we are, right now we are going through a tough time but we can get through anything together. I just keep reminding myself about how I need to hold on and just continue to show him love and passion, we will get through this. I refuse to let him go because once he's gone I will be completely lost.