Cages of Love

Chapter Nine

Ever since meeting with Vanya that day I can't stop thinking about her but I also can't stop thinking about how much I ate in front of her.

We've studied a few more times together for exams at the cafe but all I got was an iced black coffee and a granola bar. I did get a plate of fries on Tuesday just to make sure she doesn't think anything is wrong, also those fries are just extremely delicious that I can't seem to handle myself from eating them all in one sitting. In the past week of hanging out with Vanya on our break from classes, I've learned so much about her from her "methods of studying" to the way her eyes crinkle when she laughs. And we did laugh, a lot. She makes forensic psychology not as intense as it once was for me, she's also just a lot more intelligent than I am, which I heavily admire. Vanya is a warm comfortable place that I've never truly known, when you are with her - her cheeks are glowing softly like a sunset.

Studying with Vanya has helped me not only understand her more but has helped tremendously with my grades, my lack of sleep and energy almost always gets me a just passing grade. I can't study with her this week on my breaks anymore, I've got to get back into the public gym and burn some of these calories off since as of late it's getting harder and harder for me to purge and my throat is beginning to hurt. When skyping with my mom last night she mentioned that she was happy that I have some weight on me now and in all honesty that has been bothering me all day.
How much weight?
Does Vanya notice that too?
Was it the two times I ate those fries and couldn't throw them back up?
I know my mom means well much more than my dad who would always have something to say about my weight because I couldn't keep a stable weight when I was on the football team in high school. I never did enjoy football or any sports really and that has always been an issue with my dad growing up, there would even be moments where he accused me of being gay because it wasn't "normal" for a 16 year old male in HS to not be interested in football. I'm happy I went away for college because there's only so much a person can take.

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The smell of blood, sweat and tears. Ah, of course the good old public gym. I have not missed this at all but this is my only option to get a good workout and burn some calories in time for my next hang out with Vanya. That's all that matters in this moment. Of course coming to the gym at 6 am before class isn't a good idea because everyone is here before work or school. Most of the treadmills are taken and my self esteem is always instantly lowered when stepping foot in here, most of these people don't even need to work out with the way they look. After about twenty minutes of waiting the treadmill I particularly use every time is empty and waiting for me. I have my water handy and I put on the TV and flip through the channels to catch a bit of the news this morning.
"Only up to 200 calories and I'm already getting exhausted, fuck I need to get back into the grind I use to be in." A muffled voice from next to me says.
"I'm trying to burn at least 600 today, so I understand that, it's been a while for me." I say back kind of embarrassed that I responded to this guy when it doesn't seem like he was trying to talk with me.
"I don't think you should be worried about burning any calories my man, if anything you should lift some weights with me later to get some muscle in those tiny arms." He laughs and starts his run again.
Out of breath and almost up to 230 calories I respond,
"Later? How many times a day do you come to the gym?"
"As of late I've been coming twice a day once at 6 am and the other around 9pm before I have to go into work."
"Wow, impressive. What do you do?"
"I'm a bartender, a bartender who just got into a messy break up with someone that means the world to me, but I'm..." - his voice cracks out because he's out of breath and he seems to be getting emotional too. He takes a deep breath and starts cooling off - "but I'm incapable of showing her how much she means to me, because I'm a piece of shit man, you know what I fucking mean? She's everything I'm not."
I'm surprised that a guy like him who seems like the ideal type, seems like he was the successful quarterback in high school and like him and his father had a good relationship growing up could be going through a messy break up. I admit he seems intense but I don't get negative vibes like he's a bad guy. In fact it's only been about 45 minutes and I kind of like him, it's nice to have someone to talk to rather than listen to my thoughts continue to make my head pound with numbers.
"It's not like you have any right to tell me but how long have you been together? Is she someone that you believe in your heart is it for you? I guess in better words I'm trying to ask...when you first met her did you feel like you've known her all your life or in another life?" A curl falls on my forehead because I'm already drenched in sweat and have made it to 400 cals already, gosh is time going fast.
He takes another deep breath before he talks to me.
"Weird of you to say that because I thought I'd sound crazy but yes, I feel like I've always known Danielle. We have a deep connection, but it'll never work. I'm incapable of love."
Finally got up to my 600 calorie burn on the treadmill and he is too, weird we've been talking about these things and we didn't even know each other's names.
"Incapable? Don't you love her though?"
"More than I love myself."
"Then?"
"I can't say it to her face, man. If I do that any more than the time I already did, it'll be more scary to lose her for good, even though now it seems she's really done. She kicked me out and I've been crashing with a friend of mine from the bar."
I look down, trying not to make too much eye contact because although I understand this guy I kind of want to slap him, he's got to stop being a coward. But then again, who am I to say such things? I'm still acting like I'm okay with just being Vanya's friend which of course isn't right, but I'd rather that than lose her.
"Hmm. I guess we are both more similar than I originally thought. The names Eli, by the way."
"You're an interesting guy, Eli. I'm Will." He laughs.
"Maybe I'll swing by around 9 for another work out and if you're heading into work after I'll go in and grab a drink, I'll have to see if you're a good bartender."
We both share a laugh but it's one of those laughs that you can just hear there is sadness behind them both or a kind of exhaustion.
"Sure thing, Eli my man. I'll catch you tonight."
I wave bye to him as I head into the showers to get ready to go to class.
It'll be nice to have a friend I can relate to other than Vanya, because I respect her and I wouldn't disrespect her boyfriend Lukas who clearly makes her happy, I'm just not that kind of person.
I've known her for only a few weeks and her happiness means so much to me. I'm drained from this treadmill but there's only a few hours till I can see her soft smile again and that gives me all the energy I'll need.