Now That I'm Gone

Chapter 7

I gasped for air trying to breathe. Why does that day always have to come to mind? Why can't I just forget it ever happened?

Because she was your mom you idiot.

I know but it hurts..

A lot of things hurt

I ran my hands over my face feeling for the tears. Yup, they were there. I turned and looked at my pillow. Yup, there too. Ugh, so many stupid tears. My body was drenched in sweat from all the frantic moving around in my sleep, being scared out of my mind. I just needed to take a few deep breaths

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.

Hopefully that would be good enough to get me to somehow fall back asleep. I looked over at my night stand and sighed.

4:37

My heart ached.

37.

The room my mom was in when she died.. of course. Why can't I stop having nightmares.

Because you left her.. all alone in her room. Knowing something would happen.

Whatever.

I stopped fighting as much. A long time ago. It wasn't worth it anymore. I just try not to believe it.

Try. That's all I can do at this point. Just simply try.

Try not to think.
Try to breathe.
Try to keep going.
Try to be strong.

Be strong.. it's what mom would've wanted.

She can't want anymore. She's dead.

But that's okay.. she would've wanted it if she was alive.

Then it shut up. It stopped fighting with me. Maybe it was too tired to fight.

I got off of my bed, which was really messy from me moving around a lot through out the night. I walked to the light and turned it on. A bright light glazed the room. I quickly covered my eyes.

Dang, that hurt. Stupid light.

I waited for my eyes to slowly adjust to the light, and then looked in the mirror.

What a mess.

My eyes have bags under them and my hair was falling out of my all ready messy, pony tail. My blue t-shirt was hanging sloppily off of my shoulder, and my grey sweat pants were up to my knees. I pulled the bottoms of my sweat pants down to my ankles and didn't even bother with my shirt. It was over sized. It was going to do that. I walked over to my door, opened it and turned on the hall light.

It's so quiet.

I walked over to the bathroom, trying to be very quiet. I opened the door and walked in turning the light on in the process.

So many lights.

I opened the cabinet and pulled out my hairbrush. I love this hairbrush so much.

It was square, much better than round brushes. It was blue with with pink and purple polka dots covering about 50% of it. It always reminded me of Sammy and I. My favorite color is blue, and hers is pink. The purple was always kind of out of place, but it sure was pretty.

Gosh I miss Sammy.

Sammy was the one best friend I have ever had. We still text and video chat and stuff but I still missed seeing her face to face everyday.

I felt sweaty from that nightmare.. to much moving around in my sleep.. too many tears.. ugh. It was all too much.

I turned and opened the glass door to the shower and turned on the water. I stuck my hand out making sure it was the perfect temperature and then I pulled it out of the hot water shaking it off.

I faced the mirror and looked at my tear stained face. I carefully pulled my shirt over my head careful not to hit my head on the wall or something. Knowing me I would. I looked at my skinny stomach. And my stitches. Stupid stitches. I fell down the stairs and since I had no meat or upper body strength to support me even the slightest bit, even tho it probably wouldn't have helped, and I broke a rib. That was back when I was living with my dad. After my mom.. passed away. After she had passed my dad had become so sad, but I don't know if I would call it depression. He stopped going to work and then he started drinking.. too much. I would just lock myself in my room, put on my headphones, and turn the volume all the way up so I wouldn't have to see or hear anything that happened. Since he stopped working and started drinking both of our lives went down the drain. I had to go to school and pretend everything was fine. But Sammy could tell something was up. I told her about everything and she kind of forced me to go live with my sister. I guess living with my sister was kind of better.

I pulled off the rest of my clothes and hopped in the shower. The hot water hit my skin and I felt somewhat better. I felt kind of refreshed. It was nice for once. I grabbed my soap and put some on my scrubby and washed my body. When I went over my stitches I was sure to be careful. I have had them for a while, but my rib still wasn't fully healed and thread in your stomach isn't exactly something someone just 'gets used to'.

I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and put some in my hand. After running my hair through the water one last time I put the shampoo on my hair and made sure not to let any get in my eyes. Then I washed it out and did the same with the conditioner, except I used way more of the product because of my long hair. Then I stood there just letting the water run down my skin.

Gosh this felt so good.

I didn't want to use all of the hot water so I turned the water off and grabbed one of my towels wrapping it around my body. Then I grabbed the other, flipped my head over, did the twisty thing, and then my hair was up. I walked to the sink, turned on the cold water, splashed some on my face and then brushed my teeth. I already knew I wasn't getting anymore sleep tonight so I got a head start on the day.

A/N_____________________xoxoxo
Hey guys sorry I was trying to do a longer chapter because of all the short chapters 😊 it's my longest chapter yet! but hope you guys liked it! Feel free to comment and tell me how you guys feel about this chapter or the book itself. Add to your library (if you want you don't have to 😂) and get updates when the next chapter comes out.

Like always peace and love

- Pretty_Lil_Psycho_xo