Living a Lie

Chapter Fourteen - Karaoke

After stealthily reporting to Tsunade-shishou later that week, I wandered into the living room, planning on watching an old movie with a bowl of popcorn.

To my surprise, I found nearly all of the Akatsuki sitting on the various couches and recliners and watching taped episodes of an old sitcom. My sights zeroed in on one of two large bowls of popcorn and I plunked my butt right down next to it, and consequently Deidara.

"Popcorn, un?" he asked without taking his eyes off the TV.

"Thanks," I replied, snagging a big handful and turning my attention to the set. I remembered the show; my father and I used to sit in the living room after dinner while my mom was cleaning up and we'd watch this very show.

Smiling at the fond memories, I popped another piece of popcorn into my mouth and relaxed.

That didn't last long, though.

I found out that night what the Akatsuki were like when they were drunk. Hidan happened to have a massive stash of beer and various other intoxicating beverages hidden in a secret compartment in his bedroom.

Now, before you start thinking anything funny, no, I don't drink.

Not very much, anyways.

So, after Zetsu came in and said that Leader was gone, Hidan ran to his room and came back with an armload of bottles.

Of course, he was grinning from ear to ear (which is really creepy, so pray you never have to witness that), thinking he was oh-so-clever for having a "top-fucking-secret stash". It obviously wasn't top secret to the others, seeing as they were hardly surprised, which meant that it most likely wasn't top secret to Leader and he just didn't care.

Deidara jumped up from his seat beside me to grab a six-pack and Tobi followed a bit nervously, saying, "Deidara-sempai, what if Leader-sama finds out? Tobi is a good boy, and good boys don't get in trouble for drinking!"

To which Deidara replied with a curt "shut the hell up, un".

Kisame grabbed a bottle of rum, Kakuzu snatched a container of sake, and Zetsu took a scotch bottle.

As everyone was opening up their various cases and bottles of liquor, Hidan came towards me and offered a beer. Not knowing what else to do, I took it, holding the bottle by the neck gingerly and not opening it.

I looked over to my right at the recliner and saw Itachi sitting there with a slightly exasperated look. He wasn't drinking anything, and he seemed to prefer watching out for the rest of the Akatsuki in lieu of partaking in the festivities.

Hidan flopped down onto the couch next to me and started guzzling one beer after another…

After another…

After another…

And after yet another…

And another…

I began to contemplate whether or not an immortal can get alcohol poisoning, and if so, what to do about it.

Soon after, he was rip-roaring drunk out of his wits, at which point he jumped up and yelled at Tobi to 'fucking turn on the radio, bitch' (or at least that's what I thought he said).

As soon as a station was tuned in, Hidan started singing.

Badly.

He was so animated, sloshing his beer, twisting his hips, shouting what he knew of the lyrics. It was quite a sight.

And then he turned to me, singing (if that wretched keening can be called singing) something like 'I'm bringing sexy back' (again, couldn't tell with the slurring) while holding his beer bottle upside-down to his mouth like a microphone.

At this, Kisame started laughing uncontrollably. I noticed him sprawled out on the floor by the radio with two empty rum bottles by his side, tears running down his face as he clutched his stomach.

Even as I watched, his laughing intensified. He was seriously in drunken hysterics. He tried to catch his breath and he snorted, which of course just made him laugh harder and harder until nearly everyone else was either grinning or laughing along with him.

Zetsu was grinning (also a very scary image) drunkenly as he sat askew in his recliner. I looked away, shuddering.

Tobi was passed out on the floor. When Deidara saw this, he called the prone boy a lightweight and laughed, tripping over his feet to sit next to me on the couch again.

When he finally managed to make it over, Hidan pushed him out of the way and nearly sat on top of me to prevent Deidara from getting close. I tried inching away, but a hand stopped me.

"Oops! Soorry, Sa-ku-ra," Hidan slurred, face flushed from the alcohol and the precarious position his hand was currently in.

"I wus aymin fer yer showlderr," he slurred drunkenly.

"Whether you were aiming for my shoulder or my boobs, you should remove your hand now, or I'll remove it for you," I said threateningly. He grinned and squeezed…

And then he pulled away as he yelped in pain when a small tongue of fire lit up his hand. "Wut thuh fuuuck, man? Itachi, you bazterd!"

I looked over at Itachi to find him smirking slightly at Hidan while raising a wine glass to his lips.

The rest of that night was a blur. I woke up on the floor with my head on Zetsu's chest, my feet on Hidan's stomach, my right hand in Deidara's hair, and my left hand on Kisame's arm. It was weird waking up to the sound of Zetsu's heart mixed with Hidan's chainsaw-like snoring, but mostly the sound of Zetsu's heart. I mean, who knew that the creepy plant man had a heart?

I carefully extricated myself from the pile of drunken (and thankfully clothed) bodies and stepped to the edge of the living room. Stretching, I looked back at the scene, finding Itachi, Tobi and Kakuzu all sleeping on the recliner, couch, and loveseat respectively. Seeing nearly the entire Akatsuki all sound asleep was quite the endearing sight.

Or at least, it was until I remembered that I was technically still an active Konoha kunoichi, and, like it or not, these guys that I'd somehow gotten relatively close to were still my enemies.

I was obligated to take them down at the word of my Hokage.

I could kill them right at this instant… maybe.

I mean, physically, it was very probable that I could manage to eradicate at least half of them before everyone started waking up. And I knew that even drunk ninja, especially ones of this caliber, could effectively immobilize and kill me.

That certainly sobered me up pretty quickly, so I headed back to my room to sleep off the rest of the alcohol and hope that I wouldn't have to think of such a morbid deed for a good long while.