Regrets | Rick Grimes

chapter 12

ELLANY'S POV

The past week at the prison was weird. Everyone seemed as happy as possible, even the Woodbury people that Rick and Daryl brought back on the bus. Every single person at the prison was in a good mood... except for me.

I couldn't get over the events of 7 days ago. The group coming to save me, shooting Phillip, Rick kissing me, it was all too much for one day. And on top of that, a huge group of people I grew to know joined the prison.

Martinez nearly died the day we came back. Carl put a gun to his head and had his finger on the trigger, but Marty explained everything about Flynn, and Carl loosened. He loosened with Marty, at least. Definitely not me though.

I promised Carl something that I broke days later. I promised that I wouldn't be with Rick, and then Rick and I kissed. I lied to a little boy, and I was suffering emotionally for it.

I was so damaged by that one day, everything Phillip said about me, all of the things I hoped to keep from the new people I cared for, it just got blurted out over the heat of the moment, and it ruined everything.

I hadn't said a single word, eaten as much as a can of food, or stepped a single toe out of my cell since we got back from Woodbury. I was afraid to speak, and I also didn't know what even to say. Anything I said could bring up the other day, and everything before that even. I didn't wanna think about my mother, or the suicidal thoughts that used to course through my mind.

The thoughts, they hadn't paid a visit since... since Phillip brought them up a full week ago. But they were just short thoughts, and I forgot about them only moments later. I wouldn't have done anything anyway. Flynn would be an orphan, and Rick would be pissed that I traumatized Carl and everyone like that. Well... he'd be upset for some reason.

Flynn, Martinez said we couldn't go find her yet. He had explained to me in great detail just earlier today, and I hadn't even asked.

"The man we gave her to is out in a church, and he said he'd watch her for a month, and wouldn't return her no matter what happened, even if I came back. He said it was because he didn't want anyone to steal her, even me. He didn't quite trust me, so he promised to save her from everything, and wouldn't give her up to anyone except me, or you if you explained well enough that Flynn was definitely yours." He had explained.

I obviously didn't respond in any way to him. No words, not even a smile or nod of the slightest bit. All I had done was stare into his deep, brown eyes, unsure how he could be so nice to me and save my child, when he was friends with the man that forced her life.

Now... I just lay on my bed, staring at my ceiling as if the world had nothing to offer me, as if I had nothing left. It seemed to be a habit of mine to stare at the ceiling.

I heard a slight knock on my door, and I didn't look up to see who it was. I stayed silent as usual, waiting for whoever was disturbing me to speak.

"El, hey, can we talk?" A redneck drawl asked, a rougher one. Merle.

Merle and I hadn't talked once since before we left Woodbury last week, but then again, I didn't speak at all so... it kinda made sense.

I lowered my gaze from the ceiling to his eyes, still not speaking. He sighed, realizing he wouldn't get anywhere.

He invited himself in, sitting on the floor with his back to the wall. He looked at his hands as he fiddled with his own thumbs.

"Listen, uh... I know ya're all bummed out 'cause of all that the other day... but, ya know I'm always here right...?" When I didn't respond, he continued. "My point... I know ya ain't feeling like yaself right now, and I'm scared that ya'll... ya know..."