Killafornia

X.

Killafornia

He raised his brows just slightly enough to indicate for me to go on. Looking at him, I was starting to feel unsure about asking. Isn't there some kind of saying that if you can't openly discuss something with someone, then you should hold off till you do feel comfortable enough? Then again, that's easily contradicted because there are somethings that are difficult to tell a person no matter how comfortable you are with them and I think I'm just blowing this up way far out of proportion like I do with most situations.

"I think we've briefly discussed our relationship one time before." I started off by saying and he nodded. Still maintaining steady eye contact with me which naturally made me drop my head so I was looking down at the blankets beneath me.

"What about it?" He asked, reaching his hand up under my chin to forcibly bring my eyes back up to his. "Don't drop your head, you now I hate that." He said in a firmer tone as he removed his hand from under my chin.

"I just want to know where what we have going on is going to go. If that makes sense." I said quickly biting the inside of my cheek since I can't hide my face by dropping it down to my lap. I instantly regret asking and even touching this subject, who am I to think that he, CJ, would want anything more than what we have? He can lose interest in me within a split second, cutting me from his life like I was never apart of it so if he can do that, I'm sure a true relationship with me has never crossed his mind... I'm not even going to lie to myself, that hurts just thinking how fast he can cut me off and not even feel some type of way about it. He does it to his sister with no problems, I be it'd be a breeze with me.

"I already have my answer but where do you want it to go? Open up, let me hear your thoughts." What I want to say is what I'm scared to say because I fear you'll reject it instantly like as if it was some ridiculous thought up cure for a plague. "I want you to speak up and say what's really on your mind because it must be something important if you're bringing this up." He continued to say, sitting upright in bed with his back up against the wall and the blankets just barely up to his waist.

"To stay where it is."

"You sure?" I nodded. "Well then we're on the same page." He spoke lastly before tending to his phone which had been blowing up with messages as we were talking. "Chastity said she wants to talk to you later on tonight." I nodded my head and go up from the bed, grabbing the nail polish off his desk so I could finish painting my nails in the kitchen. Based on all those messages he was getting, I can assume he's going to be making phone calls so I'll just give him his space for now.

After putting on a second coat, I capped the nail polish and sat back while it dried. I've been arguing back and forth with myself in my thoughts. I shouldn't have told him what I expected for him to hear, I should have just said what I really wanted but I knew he wouldn't want anything more with me so why did I even waste time with that? Maybe he would have had a change of heart after hearing what I was really hoping for? I don't even think he realizes the true extent of the feelings I have for him. He knows I love him and I know he loves me but why not do something more with that? Instead of just saying those words, why not put some action behind them? He just doesn't see it the way I do and he never will at my rate.

"Way to go me." I breathed out to myself as I felt my mood begin to drop. This is going to be weighing me down for a little while, I can feel it. Maybe I can get some advice from Chastity, I mean she managed to get involved in a relationship with Rack City so I'm sure she'll have some tips or advice that'll help me move CJ and I along into something more official- I don't even know where this want to be in a defined relationship started up.

"Here, Chastity won't shut the fuck up." He said when he approached me at the table with the phone in hand. "She's already on the phone." I grabbed it and swiftly tossed my head so my hair was out of the way as I pressed the phone to my ear.