My Anorexic Heart

Chapter 41 ~ The Decision

A dull pain stabbing my right shoulder pulls me out of the darkness. My eyes flutter open and then squint shut at the assailing white light. Someone grunts, probably me. 

Soft fingers touch my forearm. "Nina?" I'd know that voice anywhere. 

"Are you dead too?" My voice is gruff and words garbled. 

Edward's hand tightens around my arm. "You're not dead, Ni." 

I refuse to open my eyes, but a wave of choking anguish rises up in my chest forcing the tears out. "Se-bas-tian?" I manage, though I know the answer. I saw it. 

"He saved your life," Edward's words are warm against my neck. His hand moves to mine and clasps it. "He's in heaven now..." 

The pain grabs hold of me, twisting my gut but I manage to keep my eyes shut. A monitor beeps frantically. There are voices and footsteps I'm not listening to. And then I sink back into the welcome blackness. 

I'm not sure how much time passes, but my eyes snap open as if I've been woken by a nightmare. There is no pain and the room is dark but for the light wafting in through the open hospital door. I turn my head slightly and stare out the window. It's night. The stars are bright and the moon full. 

"Sebastian," I whisper, my throat knotting. "What do I do without you? How do I live—" 

That word reminds me of Sebastian's last instruction. He told me to live. But how? Why? I shouldn't be alive. He shouldn't have died for me. He could have done so much good in this world. He would have been the best pastor and son and friend and father. 

You should have taken me, I say to God. Sebastian was the good one. 

Live a voice much like those that haunted me before, but angelic rather than wraith-ish, says and I see Sebastian's beautiful blue eyes in my mind. I recall that night after Edward arrived, laying in my bed. He said, "I need to know when I'm watching you from heaven, I'll see the girl I love living her life to the fullest." 

It was like he knew. And I'm not sure if that makes me made or not. "Promise me," he said, "Promise me my love won't destroy you." He asked me if I believed in God that night. I don't want to, but I admitted, "I'm a sucker for hope." 

Is that still true? Can I still hope after this? Widowed on the third day of our marriage. 

Let's say you don't hope anymore, Ni, then what? Do you starve yourself to death this time? Do you break everyone you love's hearts? Do you disappoint Sebastian after he gave his life to save yours? 

I sigh, silent tears sliding down my cheeks. "If you keep that faith you have now, there's nothing you can't face. Not even losing me, because you'll never lose me," Sebastian had said. With my left arm, I reach up and touch my heart. And that's when I decide, for better or for worse, what I'm going to do. 

There's movement on the pleather sofa tucked under the window—perfect timing. Edward rubs the sleep out of his eyes and then glances over at me. 

"Ni?" Edward whispers, getting up and rushing over to me. He touches my forehead. "I'm so sorry..."

I shake my head. "Where's Ceasar?" 

Edward's dark eyes search mine as if he's not sure he should tell me. 

"They killed him?" I guess, remembering now the multiple pops of guns. 

Edward nods. 

I pinch the bridge of my nose. I'm alive and they are both gone. I live in a world with no Caesar and no Sebastian. How is that possible? Oh, right—because Sebastian saved me. "I have to make this right. For once in my life, I need to stop thinking about myself." 

Edward's eyes widen. 

"You know it's true," I say, surprisingly calm. 

Edward shrugs, still gazing at me like he's waiting for the fallout.  

"Can you help me up?" I try to push myself up, but my shoulder sears. 

"Relax," Edward eases me back down. "You're not going anywhere just yet. You've been shot." 

"Then get me a wheelchair and push me." 

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I have a funeral to plan." 

"Sebastian's parents are taking care of the arrangements. No one expects—"

I hold up my hand to get Edward to shut up. "For Mrs. Finch." 

His brow pulls together. 

"Sebastian was planning it before. Stephanie needs help." He's still staring at me like I should be in a psych ward rather than wherever I am in this hospital. "I can't crack up, Edward," I snap. "I promised Sebastian if this happened I would live. This is the only way I know how to do it." 

Edward's features smooth out. He glances down at my hand, which I realize has returned to my heart. "Okay, then." 

***

I don't know who was more surprised to see me, Libby or Stephanie. They were in the waiting room with Sebastian's parents, my parents, Terry's parents, pretty much the entire room was filled with people I knew. The only set of eyes not shocked to see me up and rolling around were those of Sebastian's parents. 

"I came to help plan the funerals," I say and I'm met with silence. "It is what Sebastian would have wanted." 

Mom steps forward, eyes red and blotchy. She doesn't say anything, she just kisses my forehead, as does Dad. Then they both embrace Edward. "Where are Ceasar's parents?" I ask them. 

Dad squats down next to my chair. "They came to identify the body and then went home. They didn't want to upset you."

I nod. "We should plan Caesar's funeral for them, Dad. It's only right." 

Dad stares at me for a moment before saying, "Okay, Pumpkin." 

I glance up at Mom and Edward. "We should all go. There won't be many people there. They'll need our support." 

Mom dabs her eyes, and Edward wraps an arm around her but he's looking at me. 

"I'm not crazy," I tell him, sounding a bit crazy. It must be the pain meds in my IV drip. No filter. 

"No, but you're different."

"I'll take that as a compliment." 

"Good," he smirks. "It is." 

Pastor Oliver steps up next, the room has returned to whispered conversation. "My wife and I would like to help with Caesar's arrangements and also be in attendance." 

Dad grunts as he gets back to his feet. "You've got enough on your plate, Pastor. We can handle this."

Mrs. Oliver clutches her husband's elbow. "Our son would have wanted us to help Nina and to comfort Caesar's parents. That's...that's who he was." Tears drain down her cheeks, but she manages to maintain composure. She touches my cheek as if she's touching her son's. "He'd be proud of you." 

"You too," I clasp my hand over hers, but then she turns and steps out of the room. Sebastian's father excuses himself and follows her. 

I glance up at Dad, that wave of pain rushing up from my stomach to my chest again. "When can I get out of here?" 

"Get out of here?" Janie emerges from the crowd. Her cheeks splotched and eyes bloodshot. She pats the duffel bag slung over her shoulder. "Tonight's girl's night."

I glance up at Edward. "Are you leaving?"

He squats next to me. "You're not going to be released for a few days... and I already promised to help with all three funerals—I thought it would be what you wanted even if you didn't know it. What he would want." 

I stare into those sincere chocolate brown eyes and realize, "You're kind of a wonderful person." 

Edward smirks. "That's the drugs talking." 

"Probably."