Salvation

6 |

If Home is Where the Heart is, Where's My Heart?

A L E X A N D R I A
—

Fuck.

Fuck.

"Calm yourself, dumbass," I whisper encouragingly to myself. My soft side takes over occasionally – unbelievable, but true. However, I shove that part of me down. Like I said, it doesn't come out frequently. But when it does, it comes out in full force. like me -lilacliam

I place my chin in my fist and growl – a sigh would be too mundane – as I think about how fucked up the world is.

"I worked so hard – " my voice cracks, and I bite my lip, hard. Even when I'm alone, I refuse to be weak. Fake it 'til you make it, after all. If I act weak, I'll become weak.

"I worked," I repeat, more slowly, "so hard. And guess who didn't get accepted into good jobs because of her background? Guess who couldn't escape her past, while fucking rich brats rolled around in their third Ferrari?

"I work," I continue, "so hard. And now? Now my homophobic boss is profiting. My racist bosses in the past still profit from my old work. And future bosses, with varying types of bigotry, will also most likely profit off of my work."

What triggered this outburst, you ask? (At this point, I almost miss the disturbing inner voice. Bit depressing when even your mind has abandoned you. Additionally, you don't have anyone to ask you the exact things you want them to ask.)

I arrived home. That's what depressed me. My very own house – it should be a place of peace. Instead, it feels like my grave. Every time I enter it, I die a little inside.

It's a tiny apartment opposite my workplace. The walls are grey – and not the my - second - favourite colour grey, either. Not a light, composed grey. Instead, they are a dark, musty grey, too far from black, my first favourite colour, to be elegant, but too removed from my second to be attractive. I find it almost amusing: it can fit in neither category, it's an outcast – but then, I've deemed it that way, and why should it care what I think? More importantly, why am I beginning to imagine that colours have feelings?

There are three rooms in my little house: my kitchen, my bathroom, and my bedroom. The first is covered in dishes I haven't had the time to do because of late shifts; the second is covered in garbage I haven't had the energy to drag outside; the third is covered in nothing, as I haven't had the money to buy anything apart from a bed.

Well, I've had the money. I just didn't want to spend it, which is usually a key part of buying things.

I slam my fist down on the table again. "I don't understand why." Why I'm this upset. I hate my home, yes, but I come here fairly frequently, considering it's my home. Therefore, I do not understand why it's upsetting me so intensely.

Is the home – sorry, house, forgot you didn't like to refer to it as a home – the only reason you're down?

Why didn't you return when I actually wanted you? I can't help but wonder. And didn't you say you'd only return when I got my sanity? Does that mean I got it?

After thinking this, of course, I slap myself mentally for interacting with my mind. I'm far enough from mentally healthy as is.

Oh god. You thought there was a chance you'd become more sane! That's hilarious! No, I'm just here to give you little snippets of reason here and there. I couldn't in good faith just laugh and watch you struggle...though it was tempting, truly.

I ignore the voice. Clearly it won't help me.

Well, that's rude!

"I don't know what I can do," I say aloud, to distract myself.

You could always shack up with Daya.

My lips tighten.

You know you wanna...

All I can do is shake my head. "Stop," I mumble, my words quietly spoken, but full of anger.

You want her. Deny it if you don't.

"I don't want her, I don't care about her! She's nothing to me! Daya is a – a loser!" I explode. Having to speak in such a manner pains me, for some unknown reason.

"I don't want her," I repeat firmly.

Just like how the sky isn't blue.

With that, my only companion in my life is gone. Even I have left myself. How amusing.

I let out a chuckle. Self - deprecating humour is the only thing that I could imagine would help me through this.

Wow. I need help.

—

This chap is not bursting with action, I apologize.

Anyways, have a good day and stay lovely! x