17 // liability

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July 16, 1961 // 11:00 pm
{ Soundtrack; Liability - Lorde }

Before his figure had completely vanished into the vast and impenetrable darkness, I followed him. The streets were dismal, and so was my attitude. I needed answers before he left tomorrow morning for tour.

"Paul!" I screamed through the thick and foggy night. I saw the contours of his body turn around, giving me a blank and vacant stare.

"The hell is it?" He yelled back, completely exasperated with our turbulent "romance".

"Why did you have to make that terrifyingly eerie fortune?" I asked as the stars twinkled through the thick, polluted air.

"I was waiting, I was scared, and I was confused. But when I saw your face and how it scrunched up when you laughed with Jean and how it etched little lines around your eyes - those little things are what I missed most about you, Pen. It was hard for me to move on." I felt like his words were artificial. I could see something in him that was giving off a bad sign.

"How do you know Jean?" I asked him, suddenly remembering when Jean was on the phone with him a few weeks back. "And why were you speaking to her on the phone?" I added, not even giving him enough time to answer the first question.

"Jean and I are good friends, that's all. I knew she was with Keith anyway." My eyes narrowed at him. His face was telling me something different than his words.

"You never wanted me that night at the pier..." I muttered, my voice returning to a low whisper.

"Pen, you're simply going mad!"

"The fact that you knew Jean, and you knew she had a boyfriend, all shows that you wanted to hook up with her that night." I added, full of rage and contempt. "You guys slept together... Didn't you."

"I'm not going to lie to you," he continued, inevitably spilling his guts because Paul is not known for keeping secrets very well. "You're a little much for me."

"I have heard those words a million times. You're a liability. You're a little much for me. So they pull back, make other plans, I understand," I spoke softly, avoiding his eye contact. "I'm a liability. Get you wild, make you leave."

"Pen. It's not like that. You're diff-"

"You don't realize how much that one summer night tore me apart. I pretended it was easy for you to leave me. I ignored the tears forming in your eyes when you said goodbye. . . I told my friends you probably never loved me anyway." He sat there listening and remaining as stoic as possible.

"Penny..."

"I know that it was exciting running through the night but every perfect summer was eating me alive until you were gone."

"When I looked for you outside of the girl's institute, Jean came out alright? She comforted me about you. My heart was completely and utterly broken after I left you."

"Nothing's ever gonna change the fact that you slept with me best friend! You knew she was going to the pier that night with Keith. You knew she wouldn't take you back after that night because both you and her knew I fancied you... But you came running, like you always did," I spat, disgusted to even be in his presence.

"But I saw you!"

"I'm not a fucking second choice, Paul."

"How do you think I felt when you ran off to John?"

"Paul there's no use. For you I was just another cigarette that you throw on the street and leave it there to die, you ignited me with your words but killed me with your actions."

"It's unreal. My life isn't even real to me unless you're there in it and I'm sharing it with you. And uh, I don't know what I was waiting for and I don't know what I was scared of but I'm not... I'm not scared and I'm not waiting- I'm here," he explained with many pauses, walking over to the ledge and slumping onto it.

"How can I know if you're ever telling the truth anymore? You've lied to me and kept so many secrets... How can I ever trust you again?" I sighed, not willing to explain myself. "If you still loved me, why didn't you make an effort to write me or find me?"

"But, the thing is- I did. I wrote to you after our band got a gig in Hamburg... I played Twenty Flight Rock and it was a bloody hit! All I wanted to do was ring you... But I wrote, I wrote every fucking day for a week, Penny!" His woeful eyes shot down to the ground.

"I never got any letters."

"Maybe it was hidden, maybe your father hid them from you," he answered sternly as he pushed himself off the rough ledge. Clearing his throat, he straightened himself up and starting walking away - like he always did.

"But..." I felt my confidence tremble like a leaf caught in the wind.

"You're my stars," he said whilst gazing up at the virtually endless constellations of stars and planets and galaxies. "You're always bright, glowing, peaceful... Constant, even behind the clouds of my insufficiencies interfering with your dream of attending Oxford. You helped me achieve my dream of being a musician... And-" but he came to an abrupt stop, almost as if he saw something or someone down the narrow cobble-stone road; something that made the whole world fall silent.

"And what?" I interrupted his longing gaze down the road. Bright lights of cars would pierce our eyes and make loud, jarring motor noises as they zoomed down the street. His gaze was intense as he faced me.

"Now it's your turn."

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