The Only Reason

Chapter 5

"Did you cut yourself again?" Mallory sneered as the boys left the room. "Don't bother lying; I saw that you were hardly moving your arms all day."

"Why ask if you already know?" I asked.

"Bitch, watch yourself. I'm worth ten of you and you know it; and if you don't, Ashton certainly seems to think so." 

"He loves you." I murmured.

"Exactly. I'm the future. You're just a sad little girl who's always been there, but you're going to leave soon. Cutting yourself leads to suicide. How could you do that to him, your own brother? And right after your mom died, too." Mallory shook her head.

I inhaled deeply and turned my back, tugging on the long sleeves to my black shirt. "Why do you hate me?"

"Because you're disgusting. And don't talk to me that way unless you want me to tell Ashton about your secret."

My heart nearly stopped. "Don't, Mal. It'll kill him. He has enough on his mind."

"If you're actually worried, than remember to stay the fuck out of my way and don't speak to me as if I'm less than you. Also, you should cut yourself tomorrow or later today. Just FYI." She added, grinning.

Maybe I will.

"I'm going downstairs to catch up with the boys so we can go." I told her, running my fingers through my hair. "We'll loose our reservations if we're late."

Mallory tossed her hair and walked through the doorway, pushing me to the side. I scowled and followed her down the hall. John Feldmann, or Feldy, had gotten us some spots at this restaurant. Our plan was to eat, grab  a movie and some candy and soda, and then come back to our own little party. It was going to be awesome. 

"Ready, sis?" Ash asked me as we walked to the van.

"Only if you don't end up throwing plates at each other like you did last time," I grumbled. "We got thrown out before dessert."

"Calum started it."

"Because you kicked him under the table."

"He pinched me!"

"Because you were teasing him about wearing blue skinny jeans."

"We're a rock band. You don't wear blue jeans. You just don't. Only black." Ashton said firmly.

"He didn't have any jeans because you spilled all your coffee on his suitcase five minutes before we left!" I cried.

Ashton rolled his eyes and poked me in the ribs, mumbling about 'sister taking sides' with someone else. I laughed and elbowed him.

"Seriously, though. No plate throwing. Even if Calum throws one first."

Luke grinned at us and Calum was biting his lip to keep from laughing. I noticed that Michael had been recording everything Ash and I had just said. Ashton smirked and flipped him off.

Mallory sauntered out the double hotel doors, wearing a dress that was cute but still casual, and in her favorite color, red. Her smug, pouty look was unbearable. It had only taken her fifteen minutes, and she looked amazing! Why was it that it was always the mean girls who had all the beauty? I mean, it took me an hour and I only looked okay. 

"Oh, Camden!" Mallory rushed up to me, putting her hand against my forehead as if to check my temperature. "You don't look very well."

"I don't?"

"No. You look almost sick, Sweetheart."

"Shit, do you need to stay back? Do you want us to cancel the reservation and stay with you?" Michael asked.

To be honest, I felt fine. There was nothing wrong. No fever, no headache, no chills. 

Fuck.

Was Mallory trying to make me stay behind so it was just her and the boys?

"I'm fine, Mal. Really, I'm not sick." I said quickly, before my courage faltered.

"Sis, if you want us to cancel, we really- " Ashton started to say.

"No!" Mallory interjected quickly, scowling. "Um, I mean, we don't need to cancel. I just thought that it might be better if Cam stayed behind to rest, just in case she is catching something. I really don't think I could stand if my best friend got sick."

Ashton felt my forehead, but  brushed him off. "I'm fine, Ash."

"You do seem a little red." Luke admitted.

Red? I was blushing because I was pissed that Mallory was making me miss out on this! For once, I didn't have anxiety about going to eat in public, and the girl had to go and ruin it for me. I had actually been really excited about it. 

And now it was ruined.

My shoulders slumped as Mal shot me a look. I had to do what she said, or she would tell Ashton that I cut, and I couldn't let that happen. He was already under a lot of stress what with the band, tour, worrying about me and dad, and mum's death. Learning that I was self-destructive would only make things worse for him. I wasn't the kind of person to do that to him.

"Okay." I whispered, "You guys go. Have fun. Get me some chocolate chip ice cream and milk duds. I might feel better by the time you guys get back."

"No, we don't mind staying!" Calum said quickly. "You shouldn't feel left out just because- "

"Shut up, Cal. I don't mind. I'm probably just going to sleep." I shrugged.

"Are you positive?" Luke asked. "I really don't get how we can have fun knowing that you're sick and by yourself."

"I'm fine." I gave Ashton a quick hug. "See you in a couple hours, Bro-Bro."

He hugged me back. "Get better soon, and call us if you need anything. We'll come straight back for you."

I nodded and gave what I hoped to be a convincing smile to Mallory. As I turned to walk away, Michael grabbed my hand. I looked up at him. He looked like he wanted to say something, but then shook his head, mumbling, "Don't let her intimidate you."

I giggled nervously. "She doesn't. I just don't feel well. Really, I wouldn't be having any fun if I was there, I honestly feel like shit." 

My eyelids drooped and I rubbed my eyes, hoping to look tired and ill. I was a good actress. 

Michael gave me a strange look, nodded, and got back in the van. Luke waved to me from the window, and I waved back before going back up to the hotel room.

Yay. Three hours with just me. 

Being by myself was scary. For someone who self-harms, it's terrifying. That's when the urge to cut is the strongest, because there's no one to stop you, no one can see you do it, and no one can hear you cry. I had cut myself already earlier. To do it again in the same day was a big no-no. I might've lost too much blood on accident.

Scowling, I avoided the bathroom and sat on my bed, staring out the window. I watched the van pull out of the driveway and onto the road, until finally it was lost in all the cars surrounding the Lotus Hotel. 

That was when I gave in.

Camden, you can't stop thinking about it, so just do it before you loose your mind.

I grabbed my cutting supplies, walked to bathroom, and stared at myself in the mirror grimly. There was no escaping my addiction. Once a cutter, always a cutter, Mallory was fond of telling me.

"Once a cutter, always a cutter." I told myself softly, and picked up a razor blade.