Without You

Chapter 1

September 2007

"Hold on, Sara! I just have to put my shoes on."

I walk over to my closet and look at my options. I don't know why it takes me so long to decide when I only have three pairs of shoes. I have my no-slip work shoes that look hideous even with my work uniform, my favorite worn out checkered vans and my black wedge heels. I reach for the heels, as if I had any other option and start to put them on my feet and decide to take my time.

I walk into my bathroom that's just off my bedroom in the hallway and look at myself in the mirror. The woman staring back at me is a stranger. My eyes looked tired and hold a hint of sadness. I try to smile to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, this will be fun.

Yeah, right.

I reach into my makeup bag and lightly line my eyes with eyeliner and quickly brush my lashes with mascara hoping that it will brighten my deep brown eyes. I decide to wear my hair down and sweep my bangs to the left side of my face. There, that looks club worthy. I think.

I take one more look at myself in the mirror and as if I am giving myself a pep talk. I look back at this strange woman that looks vaguely like me, "Alright, you can do this. A few hours out with the girls and then you can come back home and crawl back into your hole." Just as I finish giving myself the pep talk Sara walks into my bathroom.

"Are you ready?"

"Yeah I just don't understand why we have to go out and to Step of all places." Step is a club that everyone in this small north Texas city goes to, including us. Probably because they are one of the few that allow eighteen and up so pretty much everyone in town can get in one way or another.

"Come on Em, you hardly ever leave your room and when you do it's just to go to the bathroom or go to work. That's hardly a social life." She starts to leave my bathroom but then stops and turns to face me. She raises her eyebrow and purses her lips, waiting for me to agree with her. She's always hoping that my enthusiasm will magically change. I love her for her never ending optimism.

I'm not excited about going to this club or any other one for that matter. After over a week of Sara begging me to go, I finally caved. I'll go but only because I know that it will make Sara happy.

I've been friends with Sara since we were thirteen and had some of the same classes in ninth grade. We both played the flute in band but we never took it as seriously as everyone else. I knew we would be lifelong friends when we both agreed over the fact that you could get your fine arts credit and gym credit by taking band. It was a way to cheat the system as sports were not our strong suit. Sara is almost a foot taller than me and has long blonde hair that waves down to the middle of her back. I've always been jealous of her height, especially when we go shopping for clothes.

When Ben broke up with me over two years ago I slowly learned I had lost all of my friends and created a world that was only me and Ben. I had cut everyone out. I couldn't afford my apartment anymore so I moved to my brother's house and slept on the couch for a few weeks before I saw Sara come to my restaurant to eat. After I told her what had happened between me and Ben, she offered me to move in with her so I wouldn't have to sleep on Graham's couch anymore. I had never been so happy to move out of a place. Not that I wasn't grateful for Graham's support, he really is a great brother, but being around him and his two guy roommates in a tiny three-bedroom house can get pretty gross and smelly. Especially sharing the one bathroom. So I couldn't tell Sara enough how much it meant to me. I like living here but ever since that dreadful April day two and a half years ago, I've been walking around like there is a hole in my heart. I feel like I'm carrying this heavy weight on my shoulders and no matter who I talk to or who I spend time with, the feeling never goes away. I've lost the core of my soul and don't have any indication where to go from here. For the most part, I've been able to pick up the pieces of my messy life, but how do you begin to fix what's broken when you don't even know where to start?