I've never really liked goodbyes.
Or the stories they told.
Or how from one second to the next your holder of love, secrets, fears, desires and your rubber band heart becomes a pair of eyes in which you see pools of despair and nothing; and a heart which now holds hate.
Jade says I'm pretentious asf, that my every thought is like a sad Britney Spears song holding no talent and even less enjoyment. But Jade is like that, she speaks volumes but holds no substance. Maybe she's a good thing to have in my life because I've always preferred to keep my mouth to my body.
Jade, funnily enough, was the one who talked to me the night when I realized I hated goodbyes. You need to get out more she had said but she's never fully understood me in all my introverted glory and she's my longest friend.
Upon moving to Nooitgedacht, Joburg - which is about as elegant as it's name - I became someone different completely. Nothing noticeable, of course, because self-development is sneaky like that; it slowly seeps through every pore, into every cell, around every mitochondria until oops I'm no longer me anymore. But I couldn't pin-point the shift and with school not slowing down for my unimportant internal battles, my parents wanting us to settle in as quickly as possible and God not pausing life to help me quickly ask myself who am I? I became flustered and panicky.
I smile on cue to Toni's joke and hurriedly delete the contact I had formerly held so dear. This thing in my hand has become a cruel dictator in my life but I can never rebel against it. I ask myself the question again who am I?
"What's that about?" Toni asks pointing to the empty space on my screen.
"Nothing. Where's Nikki?" I turn my attention to the tuckshop line, showing false gross interest in the whereabouts of Toni's best friend. And I think again to myself, I wonder what it's like to have a best friend?
I think back to last night when Trina told me that it could seem that I act like I place myself above others and that may cause bitterness. But, she said, I am different and I can't apologize for it. That didn't stop me from trying to.
So I made myself small and less and only contributed humorous statements to my daily conversations if nothing at all. And self-development struck again only this time, I got to blame a person for my change, and I thought well isn't that just dandy, I'm not the only problem in my own life anymore but he was a problem himself and I contributed only understanding and love to his life, my mistake, I changed.
I made myself cool, relaxed and hid my fear but in that process I hurt someone and my heart dwindled for a second before self-development retreated and I got to blame him again for all my confusion and frustration. How strange it is that hurting someone brought out the human inside of me but he couldn't care less about my shattered feelings (not heart).
I started a book, a diary of sorts, and its funny because it made me feel less shitty about myself. It made me believe that I could make, create, draw something beautiful instead of causing heartache because I'm not like him and he didn't make me so.
I fought hard against blaming other people instead of owning up to my own flaws but it hurts so much seeing all the shitty parts of yourself and it hurts even more when you know that someone made you see said in yourself or you hurt someone because of them.
I'm not broken because of him and because I hurt him accidentally. I am a whole, independent, self-defined young lady and I may waver at times but I never fall over, I never break, I never crack because I'm not made of glass and I'm not a bad person.
Sometimes you need to believe that you're not a shitty person. The bad things about yourself are too easy to believe so challenge yourself.
I may have not much pain, suffering or heartbreak in my life but I understand what it is and all the knowledge we receive from it. I may be young but I am not a child and I can make my own decisions and stand by them. Don't let people tell you you can't do things because you don't have wisdom or you are too young.
Stop letting insignificant voices rule your mind, you're the owner, honey, don't let some mother-in-law come and rule your damn house. Its yours.
