i wish i had known not to color block my clothing. i wish i had known to enjoy school while it was slightly bearable. i wish i had known not to get so angry at my sister all the time, she really just loves me. i wish i had known not to make such a big deal about the length and breadth of my status updates and instagram posts. i wish i had known not to bother when someone commented something mildly rude or insulting towards me. i wish i had known not to stay up until 3AM just to talk to a boy. i wish i had known that sick feelings in the pit of my stomach were more than just feelings but were also valid and important. i wish i had known that the attention of men is not alway first, second or third prize. i wish i had known that my body was not play-doh to be poked at and stretched apart. i wish i had known how to use my voice, how to scream. i wish i had known how to utter the words "no" softly at first and then "NO!" with conviction and authority. i wish i had known what love really was so i didn't have to accept every other half ass attempt. i wish i had known that you never really loved me. i wish i had known not to go over that night. i wish i had called it off for good that first friday we fought. i wish i had done something more. i wish i had known how to make you love me for more than just this body. i wish i had known what the words rape, sexual harassment and abusive/toxic relationship meant. everybody believes that abuse is what they show on tv when you're little - physical - but emotional abuse is another monster on it's own, it's the drug you don't see. i wish i had known that.
