11/12/16
today i thought i saw you in church. monaghan was preaching about everything i didn't care about and i hadn't had enough sleep yesterday. i had seen the boy before i had sat down but then he mentioned something about letting people go and i started thinking about you and how i should've let you go a long time ago. and i was looking around, hoping for time to speed up or my mind to wander elsewhere or for him to preach about something else when his head caught my eye and i remembered the last time we had ft'ed and exactly the way your hair was. it was too long. and that's exactly what this boy's hair looked like. and then i noticed his shirt. it was the type you would wear, the type of shirt any guy of your popularity would wear and i started thinking about how sexy it would look on you if that was really you. and maybe i stared a little too long but i couldn't draw my eyes away. i hadn't seen you in months and my heart still wanted you. i think i analyzed him for the entire service. the people behind me must've thought me creepy for staring at someone - luckily he wasn't too far from the pulpit. and the way he moved his head and the chubbiness of his cheeks and the way he placed his hands just reminded me so much of you. his body language screamed you. i think i actually convinced myself it was you. i felt myself get nervous and sweaty and my heart was in my throat and my lust in my stomach. i noticed the woman sitting around him and remembered you have many sisters and my heart rate quickened (if that's even possible) when they looked similar to the photos i had seen. suddenly i wanted to run or hide or scream or cry or something. and i think i would've puked if he hadn't slightly looked to the side and revealed his features which were much too small to be yours. what was weird was that i wasn't relieved in the slightest and as i over-analyzed it while the service was ending i realized that i was disappointed. imagine you were still here. imagine you were a car's drive away, a short walk away, a simple beckon away. then later today i went out with Cesca for her birthday and you messaged me with a heart which was weird but i was so happy and you told me that you had seen the message and i blamed it on alcohol and you knew i was telling the truth yet you still didn't leave me alone, you needed a last say so there you go. thank you for telling me to enjoy my day. i think i really will knowing that i no longer need to worry about you.
i torture myself too much.
nancy x
