Doormat

Chapter 1

"Here's your mail call, everyone," announced Dr. Joan Leland, head doctor of Arkham Asylum, as she made her way down the cell block. "Not much today – gardening magazine for Ivy, creepy doll magazine for the Ventriloquist..."

"It's for me," piped up Scarface. "Plastic dames are my kinda eye candy. Just because I'm made of wood don't mean I can't get wood, capiche?"

"O...K," said Dr. Leland, slowly, handing him the magazine. "There's my disturbing thought for the day. Jervis, small package for you," she said, handing a small parcel through the bars of Jervis Tetch's cell.

"Tetchy's used to that by now, judging from his boyfriend," chuckled the Joker from the neighboring cell.

"For the last time, I'm not his boyfriend!" shouted Jonathan Crane from the opposite cell.

"And what makes you think I'm talking about you?" asked Joker, smiling. "Got a small package yourself, do ya, Johnny?"

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response," snapped Crane, returning to his book.

"I've seen him in the shower – he does," said Joker.

"It's my imported tea!" exclaimed Tetch, happily ripping open the parcel. "Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Jonathan, you simply must taste this – we must have a tea party later!"

"And you can guess what that's a euphemism for!" chuckled Joker.

"I've known Jervis a lotta years – trust me, it's not a euphemism," said Dr. Leland. "He's actually intending to have a real tea party later. And last but not least, Joker, you have a large package," she said, stopping in front of his cell and holding out a box.

"I sure do, Doc!" chuckled the Joker. "You can ask Harley – it's really impressive!"

"Three penis jokes in the space of five minutes," muttered Poison Ivy, flipping through her magazine. "And people wonder why I hate men."

Dr. Leland didn't respond, except to sigh and mutter, "Yeah, that's an image I didn't want before my lunch of foot-long hot dogs, thanks, Joker."

"Well, it is about that long, but it's thicker than a hot dog," said Joker, nodding. "Also unnaturally white, because, y'know, my whole body is because of the accident thing. It wouldn't be an appropriate analogy unless you were eating like a massive bratwurst or something."

Dr. Leland just looked at him. "You have a large package," she repeated, ignoring him. "We've scanned it to make sure it's nothing that can be used as a weapon..."

"Not like my package, then!" chuckled Joker. "That's my secret weapon!"

Dr. Leland sighed again, handing him the package. "Just take it and shut up!" she snapped.

"Also what I say when I give Harley my package!" giggled Joker.

Dr. Leland shuddered, then left the cell block, muttering, "I know I'm a psychiatrist and all, but I think I've heard enough about penises for one day. Freud's probably turning in his grave at that statement, but I don't care."

"You know, she really could have just stopped all the jokes by calling this a parcel," said Joker, shrugging. "I think she subconsciously wanted to hear about my penis, just like a shrink!" he giggled. "Now, who's sent me a present?" he asked, unboxing the item. There was a note on top.

Dear Joker,

I hope this finds you well. I know you're expecting a letter from me, but I thought I'd send this separately. You probably don't remember, but eleven years ago today I wrote you my first letter that started off our correspondence. I just wanted to get you an anniversary gift to celebrate after rekindling our contact last year. I hope you'll think of me when you use this, and I hope to see you soon!