Doormat

Chapter 7

"Puddin', you're back late," commented Harley as she heard the front door open.

"Store didn't have any macaronis," grumbled Joker, carrying a bag of groceries. "So naturally I had to burn it down and find another store. Which still didn't have any macaronis, so I had to rig up another set of explosives on the fly, which involved me going to another store and buying some propane and fertilizer to construct a rudimentary bomb. Of course by that time the cops and the Bat showed up, and I told 'em I wouldn't denote the bomb if they brought me some macaronis. Plus some cookies, and some milk to dunk the cookies in. Which Bats did, and then I said I wouldn't denote the bomb if he sat and shared some cookies and milk with me, and that's when he punched me in the face. So we had a bust up, I denoted the bomb and made my escape with the macaronis and cookies – the milk spilled out when I was running away, but there's no use crying over it!" he chuckled.

His hysterical laugh at his own joke was suddenly cut off when he saw Harley cuddled on the sofa with Jonathan Crane, who looked very pleased. "Who invited the nerd?" demanded Joker.

"I did," replied Harley, lightly. "Johnny and me haven't hung out with just the two of us in a while. Since college, in fact. It's nice to reconnect outside of a professional environment. In a more...personal environment," she purred, putting her feet up onto Crane's lap. "How about a massage, Professor?" she asked, smiling at him.

"Of course, my dear," he said hastily, obeying her.

"Mmm, I tell ya, there are some things you just can't be taught," sighed Harley. "And how to give a killer foot massage is one. It's a natural ability you're just born with, isn't that right, Professor?"

"If you say so, my dear," agreed Crane. "I happen to believe that most things can be taught, or I wouldn't have become a teacher, but not all things can be taught theoretically – many experiences are ones that can only be improved upon with practice rather than studying, which was my mistake for many years. One can read as many books about fear as one wants, but in order to truly change the world, action is what is required. It's one of the reasons I gave up academia – there was a field entirely bereft of action..."

"Yep, entirely bereft of action of all sorts, and you can understand why with the way you babble," interrupted Joker. "What kinda dame wants to listen to a boring old poindexter yak all day long?"

"I actually like the way Johnny's academic musings increase the tone of the whole conversation," spoke up Harley. "It's nice to have another intellectual equal around here."

Joker glared at her. "What do you mean, another intellectual equal? You saying you think I'm dumber than you?"

"Well, I am a doctor," said Harley, nodding. "I went to college and medical school. Do you think you ever earned any college diplomas or doctorates, Mr. J?"

"No!" snapped Joker. "And I'll tell you why, because I ain't a nerd! I didn't waste the prime of my life with a buncha dusty textbooks and tests! I was out there making the most of life by having fun!"

"Y'know, Johnny used to have a word for people like you," said Harley. "It was slacker, wasn't it, Johnny?"

"Oh, I had many," agreed Crane. "Slacker, failure, moron, idiot, intellectually barren, although of course that's two words..."

"I know it's two words – I can count to two!" snapped Joker. "And just because I didn't go to college, that doesn't make me a moron! Croc's a moron – I'm a genius! Y'know, even Einstein failed his second grade math class because he was a genius, and that school stuff was holding him back. We real geniuses can't be graded and labeled like you common people with your fancy degrees!"