Doormat

Chapter 9

"Joker, we really need to talk about this," said Janey, the moment they were alone. "I'm...really flattered, but I'm not about to abandon my life in Michigan to come down here and be your girlfriend. Plus, I don't think you're thinking clearly about breaking up with Harley. I know I haven't always approved of your relationship, but ending it like this is not the way to do it..."

"I know," snapped Joker, running his fingers through his hair. "I know. I've made a mess of it, but she started it! All that flaunting other guys in my face and pretending I ain't as smart as her! I mean, I may have mentioned you occasionally to get her to do stuff for me, but that don't mean she's gotta fight fire with fire!"

"Then maybe you should have apologized," said Janey, gently. "Rather than losing your temper."

"I don't apologize!" snapped Joker. "I'm the Joker! And it was just a joke – she knew I wasn't really gonna leave her for you!"

"Did she?" asked Janey. "Because you kinda just did."

"You're right," muttered Joker. "I've taken the joke too far – but it just got outta hand so quickly! I started it, but then she escalated it, and before I knew it, it had blown up in my face!"

"You can still fix this, though," said Janey. "Go find her and apologize. Tell her you didn't mean what you said, and that you love her. She'll forgive you."

"But if I do that, then I'll be the weaker party in the relationship," retorted Joker. "The one who caved first, the submissive, the loser! That ain't my style! I'm a dominant kinda guy, a leader, who takes charge of my subordinates, including Harley! And when there's a fight, I always win it! If I surrender like this, I won't have won anything!"

"Joker, a relationship isn't like a battle with Batman," said Janey. "There are no winners and losers in it. It's a compromise between two people. And when one person behaves badly, they should be able to own up to it and admit their mistake and apologize. It doesn't make you a loser. It just means you respect the other person enough to admit when you're wrong."

"I don't want her to know that I respect her!" protested Joker. "How am I supposed to keep her in line and discipline her if she thinks I respect her? She'll just try to get away with murder! You saw how she behaved when she thought I loved her – she thought she could emotionally blackmail and manipulate me!"

"Which you did to her first, because you know she loves you," finished Janey, nodding. "You have to treat her the way you'd want her to treat you. If you treat her badly, you can't expect her to just put up with it."

"Why not? She always has before," replied Joker.

Janey sighed heavily, sitting down. "Well...say for a moment that your relationship with Harley is like a battle with Batman."

"But you just said it wasn't," protested Joker.

"I changed my mind," retorted Janey. "Now when you fight Batman, don't you want him to fight you back in return?"

"Well, yeah," agreed Joker. "That's kinda our thing."

"Now imagine your fight with Batman was unequal," said Janey. "Imagine that you fought him, and he just lay there and took it, without fighting back. Wouldn't you get bored of that pretty quickly?"

"Yeah," agreed Joker, slowly. "If I didn't want any kinda resistance, I'd target the cops or something. I like the challenge of fighting Bats – he's the only opponent out there worthy of my genius."

"So try and compare your relationship with Batman to your other major relationship," continued Janey. "You and Harley have been together a long time, presumably because you thought she was the only woman out there worthy of you..."

"She ain't worthy of me!" snapped Joker. "She's just proven that! I only kept her around because she clung onto me like a leech, and it was easier to let her suck my blood than try to pry her off!"

"Ok, but she's the only woman you've put up with long-term, for one reason or another," continued Janey. "And if Batman left one day, you'd miss fighting him, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would," said Joker. "He's my nemesis."

"Well, Harley's your girlfriend," said Janey. "And you should at least treat her as well as you treat Batman. And you treat Batman the way you want him to treat you. So you see where I'm going with this?"

"You expect me to equate Harley with Bats?" asked Joker. "The two are in no way similar! Bats is way higher on my priorities list, and in my estimation! He's the man I'm hoping kills me, while I kill him, of course! I've bought plots for both of us so we'll have neighboring graves at Gotham Cemetery!"

"You...have?" asked Janey, slowly.

"Yeah. And I've commissioned a posthumous statue of the both of us to commemorate our mutual demise. People can witness the final, glorious battle of Batman and the Joker in stone until the end of time," sighed Joker, dreamily. "I really hope it's something dramatic, like a duel, and not something lame, like food poisoning. That would be a boring statue."

"I think you should have separate feelings for Harley than Batman, but equal in strength," said Janey. "And I think you do, if you dare admit it to yourself. I know it's scary to care about someone that much. In your case, you probably worry so much about someone else killing Batman that the thought of caring for anyone else is nightmarish. But I think despite what you want to think...you do love Harley. And losing her would hurt you as much as losing Batman. And telling her that won't ruin your relationship. You've told Batman how you feel about him, haven't you?"

"Oh yeah, lots of times," agreed Joker. "He knows he's my bestest buddy in the world."

"So why can't you tell Harley how you feel about her?" asked Janey.

"Because...it's different feelings, like you said," said Joker. "Bats and me were fighting a long time before Harley came into the picture. But the moment she did...I began to feel new things, different things. Things I didn't like. I liked when it was just me and Bats – everything was so simple and straightforward. But Harley made everything complicated. She made me feel...complicated things. I know how I feel about Bats. With Harley, it's all...weird and uncertain. There's no joke in uncertainty, toots. Comedy is all about knowing what'll get a laugh, and knowing the punchline. I don't like not knowing the punchline with Harley. I don't know...how we're gonna end."

"That's something only you and she can decide," said Janey. "But if you think she's worth fighting for, don't end it now. Unless the time seems right for that particular punchline. Does it?"

Joker shook his head slowly. "No. No, there's no joke in this. I gotta get her back."

"And I think the only way you're going to do that is to apologize," said Janey, gently. "Can you do that for her, Joker? Can you admit you were wrong?"

Joker sighed heavily. "First time for everything, I guess." He smiled at her. "You're a good shrink, toots. I like that in a dame."

Janey smiled back, and took his hand. "I knew you were my hero for a reason," she said. "A hero can admit when he's wrong, and when he makes mistakes."

"Bats doesn't," retorted Joker.

"That's why he's not my hero," replied Janey. "I don't understand why he's anyone's hero, really."

"Well, people like a delusional martyr," said Joker, shrugging. "Look at Jesus. Hey, you wanna hear my Duck Knight monologue?" he asked, reaching for the rubber duck.

"I think you should probably head out after Harley before she can do something rash," said Janey. "But I'd love to hear it later. Can I have a raincheck?"

"Sure thing, toots," he said. "And when you do hear it, I think you'll agree, it's specquackular!"

Janey just looked at him. "Ok, I'll just...go find Harley," said Joker, standing up and heading out the door.