Doormat

Chapter 2

"Mmm, that was a yummy banana split, puddin'!" sighed Harley, licking the chocolate sauce from her face. "And I mean both the ice cream and the other thing!" she giggled, curling up next to him as they snuggled in bed.

"Yeah, I've never had homemade ice cream before, but you can really tell the difference," said Joker. "I've gotta remember to write Janey a thank you note for the great gift."

Harley had been beaming at him in adoration, but her smile suddenly fell. "Janey?" she asked, casually.

"Oh, c'mon, you remember Janey Bennett," said Joker. "My pen pal? She visited Gotham last year."

"Yeah, I remember her," growled Harley. "Young, pretty, innocent little blonde girl who wanted to save you from your evil ways by guiding you toward the light in her pants."

"Now pooh, that's a very unfair assessment," said Joker, frowning. "It's true Janey had a little crush on me, but it was just puppy love. She didn't really want us to have a serious relationship – she's just idolized and adored me from a young age as her hero. Understandable when you think about it, and she did think about it, and came to the same conclusion. She's a shrink like you, remember?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that," muttered Harley. "Like a younger, more naïve, more annoying version of me, with all that 'You're my hero, Joker' stuff," she said, in a high-pitched, nasally voice.

"Janey doesn't sound like that," retorted Joker.

"Oh, now you remember what she sounds like, huh?" demanded Harley, sitting up suddenly.

"Of course I do – I just saw her last year," said Joker. "And it was real sweet of her to get me that ice cream maker for our anniversary. It's fun and functional, which makes it much better than any gift you ever got me."

Harley's eyes flashed. "Our anniversary?" she repeated.

"Yeah, the anniversary of the day she first wrote to me," said Joker. "Eleven years ago. Now that I think about it, I guess that's the longest relationship I've ever had with a woman. Or anyone except Bats."

Harley was fuming, but Joker didn't seem to either notice, or care, or both. He stood up and headed back over to the ice cream maker with his bowl. "I'm gonna think of her every time I use it," he said, scooping out more ice cream. "She's such a peach."

Harley tried to control her temper. "Doncha think...I'm a peach too?" she pressed.

"Nah, you're a pie," he retorted. "A pumpkin pie. There's a difference, and right now, I'm in the mood for peach."

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley, standing up. "You saying you prefer her to me? We've just had sex, so that'll tide you over for a while, and now you're gonna dump me just like that for that dumb kid, huh? After all my years of love and adoration, just because some stupid doll bought you an ice cream maker?!"

He turned to look at her in confusion. "I'm just in the mood for peach ice cream," he said, nodding at the machine. "I don't know where all the rage has come from all of a sudden. And the paranoia – why do you think I'd dump you for Janey?"

"Oh, I dunno!" snapped Harley. "Maybe because you keep saying what a great gal she is, and won't shut up about the great gift she got you! You've never fawned over any of my gifts like that!"

"You've never got me any gifts worth fawning over," retorted Joker.

"What about the naked portrait of me?" demanded Harley.

"Why do you think that's a better gift than an ice cream maker?" asked Joker, puzzled. "I can't do anything with a naked portrait of you. It's not fun or functional – it just hangs there like a dead body in a meat locker. And you can't make ice cream with a naked portrait, so obviously this is the better gift. But if you really wanna make me happy, why doncha make yourself useful now? You could head out to the store and pick up some peaches so I can make peach ice cream. Doesn't that sound like fun, dollface?"

"No, it doesn't!" shouted Harley. "Jesus Christ, Mr. J, I break you outta Arkham, I cater to your every whim both in and out of bed, and what do I get in return?! You flaunt other women in my face and send me to the store for some goddamn fruit!"

"Fine, you don't have to go to the store," sighed Joker. "But Janey would do that for me," he muttered. "She really cares about me, enough to get me this ice cream maker, and enough to pop to the store and get me some peaches if I asked her to."

Harley glared at him, and then stormed over to pick up her clothes. "I'll get your goddamn peaches, and shove 'em where the sun don't shine," she muttered.

"Then we can't make ice cream outta 'em," retorted Joker. "Now stop acting like a spoiled brat, Harley. You have to trust me, and accept that I can be friends with another woman without it being a threat to our relationship. You're a shrink – you should be able to understand that."

"I understand that people are basically all selfish and manipulative, and they only get people of the opposite sex presents because they're hoping to bribe them into bed," snapped Harley. "That's what being a shrink has taught me! Heck, that's what being alive has taught me!"

"Well, I'm basically selfish and manipulative, but I don't get you presents," replied Joker.

"That's because you don't have to bribe me into bed!" snapped Harley. "Because you're a sex god, and I'm never gonna say no if you're in the mood, because you so rarely are, and I gotta take advantage of your huge package when I have the chance!"

"Oooh, be sure to tell Dr. Leland that thing about my huge package when you see her next!" chuckled Joker. "I told her I had one, but she thought I was joking!"

"You know, most relationships aren't like ours!" continued Harley, ignoring him. "Most relationships are equal, not one guy who's fairly apathetic about his relationship, and his girlfriend who's so crazy about him that she'll do anything in the world for him, including busting him outta a mental asylum and fighting a guy in a bat costume for him!"

"That's right – because you're special, pooh!" said Joker, patting her on the head. "Now go get me those peaches so I can make some more ice cream using Janey's present. Gosh, that gal is just the greatest!" he sighed.

Harley glared at him. "I should break that goddamn ice cream maker, and then your face," she muttered, heading for the door. "But I gotta get those peaches first."