Doormat

Chapter 3

"Before we start our Batman-killing meeting, guys, I just wanted to see if anyone wanted any homemade peach ice cream," said the Joker, gesturing to the ice cream maker he had proudly displayed on the table.

Two-Face looked from the machine to Joker. "What's the catch?" he asked. "Is it poisoned?"

"If by poisoned, you mean the best ice cream you've ever tasted that will ruin all other store bought ice cream for you forever, then yes, it's poisoned," replied Joker.

"I can't – I'm watching my weight," said Scarface. "Don't wanna pile on the pounds – the dames don't like chubby."

Joker, Two-Face, and Penguin all stared at him blankly. "Well, I'm most certainly not watching my weight," said Penguin. "I will gladly partake of this frozen, peachy treat."

"All right – prepare to be amazed!" exclaimed Joker, scooping out the ice cream and handing him a bowl. "Now isn't that just mind-blowingly good?"

"Oh yes, decidedly so," said Penguin, after having a spoonful. "Harvey, you must try it."

"I'm gonna wait ten minutes, and if you don't fall to the ground and start coughing up blood while foaming at the mouth, I'll have some," said Two-Face. "After I check with the coin, of course."

"Harvey, please," sighed Joker. "We all know if I was gonna poison someone, they'd die laughing while foaming at the mouth, not coughing up blood. Plus what kinda joke is there in poisoning delicious, homemade peach ice cream? You really need to work on that paranoia complex you have – it's the reason you don't have any friends. Well, that, and the sight of your face makes most people retch."

"Pot to the kettle," muttered Two-Face. "Anyway, nobody in this room is what anyone might call objectively good-looking."

"Speak for yourself, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "That ice cream maker is a gift from a pretty little blonde who tried to kiss me last time we met."

"Why wouldn't Harley try to kiss you when you meet? She's your girlfriend," retorted Two-Face. "And she's always all over you."

"Not Harley," snapped Joker. "That's my point – more than one pretty little blonde finds me attractive."

"I got a blonde who's interested," spoke up Scarface. "Don't tell this dork, but I'm thinking of replacing him with her," he said, gesturing at the Ventriloquist. "You should see her – not a man alive who'd object to having her hand up your pants."

"Scars, I hate to break it to you, but you're a puppet," retorted Joker.

"I'm a dummy," retorted Scarface. "And you don't need to have brains to get dolls, as long as you got charm and confidence."

"Yeah, somehow I don't think Pinocchio fetish is a thing, but nice try," said Two-Face.

"Hey, if clown fetish is a thing, you never know," retorted Scarface.

"It's not a clown fetish – it's my God given good looks, prominent cheekbones, and cheery smile," said Joker. "You know, sense of humor is the one quality most women look for in a significant other, which is why the Bat can't keep a dame. Well, that and he always ignores her in favor of chasing after criminals. I kinda wish he'd find a nice girl, though – I do worry about him."

"Perhaps this latest scheme of ours will solve his women troubles by killing him," said Penguin, dryly. "And then he won't have to worry about women, or anything else, ever again. Speaking of which..."

"Right, right, I get the hint – we'll start the meeting," said Joker. "Harv, last chance for ice cream before we begin."

Two-Face reached for his coin and flipped it onto the table. It landed good side up. "All right," muttered Two-Face.