Sleep Disorders

Chapter 20

Nathan 🌵

Have you ever felt pain so painful that you're willing to do anything to make it stop?

Have you ever missed someone so much that you're willing to do anything to see them again?

Have you ever felt so hopeless that you're willing to do anything to just disappear?

That's what living without Grace was like. It was torture at the highest degree. People talk about losing someone they love and you feel sorry for them and stuff, but I never imagined it to be so hard!

My insomnia got bad again. In my rare moments of sleep I would dream beautiful dreams about Grace. To be honest I would prefer nightmares over these dreams, because nothing is more painful than waking up after a lovely dream and realising that none of it was real.

A week after Grace's death my parents sent me to a psychologist. After a few sessions this psychologist referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on a series of sleeping pills and anti-depressants. The medication didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel oh so numb.

Yusrah and Ahmad were really worried about me. They tried to take me out, talk to me on the phone and do things to make me smile, but I was just too numb. I couldn't get over the fact that she was dead. How could she be dead?!

I had tried to read the letter that Grace had told her mother to give to me but it was too painful to read. My eyes would fill up with so much tears that I couldn't make out the words lovingly scratched onto the piece of paper by Grace herself. Her final words to me and I couldn't bring myself to read it.

The worst part was replaying our last conversation together in my head. Why did our last interaction have to be a heated argument? Why was my last words to her "I need to go, my shift at the sandwich shop starts soon," said with a cold, unforgiving tone, instead of my my last words being "I love you Grace," said with warmth and love? I hated myself for not appreciating our last moment together. I practically broke up with her during our final hours! That's why I couldn't bring myself to read the note she had given me. I didn't think I would be able to handle anymore pain.