single by twenty five x jeon jungkook

nine

a few days later, i am exhaustedly seated across eunbi and her fiance. i had worked so many hours these pass few days, taking up every available shift just to save enough to pay jungkook back.

"so i've been thinking," eunbi says as she cheerfully looks at me with a cute, excited expression. "well, yoosung and i, that it's time for you to start dating."

"you think?" i groan as i lean back in my chair. "i can't even get a guy to look at me."

"yoosung, look at her." eunbi whispers loudly to her blonde boyfriend who is staring at her with loving eyes, he then immediately fixes his gaze on me. "see? yes you can."

"and so, we set you up on a blind date!" yoosung smiles with his teeth and then turns back to eunbi, who is silently squealing in her seat.

"you're kidding me." i mentally facepalm myself while eunbi starts to clap excitedly. "did you not hear about my terrible tinder date?"

"he's a hundred times better than that guy, trust—" yoosung continues, however i stand up in my seat abruptly which causes him to shut up.

"okay, i need to do something really quickly. i will be right back." i bow politely at the couple and they laugh at my action but approve of my abrupt leaving anyways. just a few stores away from the restaurant i had been sitting at, was jungkook.

how convenient, since i had just saved up the perfect two hundred and thirty four dollars. but how inconvenient, was it that he had company. this time, the girl's hair is a short rose gold and she is dressed in a mini tank black dress. despite wearing a pink turtleneck and white jeans, looking like a waste of space beside her, i still run to him anyways.

he briefly locks his eyes with mine, but then turns to her and cradles her jaw, kissing her deeply and taking her into his arms. he smothers her with kisses as i approach and i want to cry, already. in my alternate universe, where jungkook and i would have our happy ending, he would never have to do that to me, shower me with kisses, hugs and feelings. all he'd have to do is smile and i would have enough happiness to make it through the day.

"jungkook .." i say when i'm around a metre away from him. he breaks off the kiss and looks at me with an agitated expression.

"i told you not to contact me." jungkook mutters. "this counts." my cheeks inflame in embarrassment, the beautiful girl beside him clueless at what was going on.

"can i .. borrow jungkook for a second?" i ask the girl who is currently held by jungkook by the waist.

"of course." her voice is so light and sweet. she smiles at me before turning to jungkook, who only tightens his grip around her and firmly holds her closer.

"whatever you have to say, you can say to the both of us." jungkook states. what a cliché. how many movies did he watch? but besides that, now i was going to face double the embarrassment. i breathe in deeply and reach for my wallet, that contained the exact amount i owed him.

"for the dinner, a few days ago." i pulled out the notes and grab his hand to place the money in it, however he just clenches his fist and strongly holds it back.

"no, i don't want it." his neck isn't even blushing! oh gosh, how embarrassing could this get?

"jungkook .."

"i told you, i don't want it." jungkook's jaw ticks and i sigh heavily.

"here, buy yourself something pretty, okay? i hope jungkook treats you well." i say quickly as i open the hand of his girlfriend and give her the money instead. i would feel so guilty if i kept it. jungkook turns around and sneezes, then turns back to meet my concerned expression. he is sick, isn't he? but instead of opening my mouth and speaking, knowing that he'd just turn me down and embarrass me, i rush back to the table where eunbi and yoosung were sitting at, laughing and touching each other platonically. i hope he is okay ..

"sorry .. i had to use the bathroom," i lie "but anyways, tell me more about the blind date."

—

the rose on my beside table that came from the bouquet that jungkook bought for me is so withered that the petals are beginning to rot themselves off. it reminds me of the relationship between jungkook and i, like a dead flower.

our relationship is like a dead flower. you cannot revive something is already dead.

i roll in my bed all night, remembering how jungkook's lips pressed against hers right in front of me. she sure is lucky, being able to kiss someone like him, whenever she wanted. i love the way he looks at her, i want his eyes on me. i know it's stupid, selfish and greedy. but i want him .. all to myself. i want the person i used to love to come home to me.

his deep brown eyes always attracted me, the way he moves his fingers through his hair and .. his everything. i am in love with his smile, but the reason of his smile is someone else. i couldn't help it, but fall in love with the boy in my imagination. the boy, that once existed.

rest in peace. i laugh at jungkook's words that echo in my mind. does he know that i am laying in bed, thinking about him and just started smiling because i am so .. in love?

i want to stab myself for falling for someone who no longer exists, seeking for them in every part of a stranger.

and this,is what you call infatuation.