Pendulum

Fourteen

Firdaus

He had left me alone in the room after that outburst, staring at the broken shards of glass that decorated the floor, an ode to his anger and frustration. It took me longer than necessary to get down on my knees and grab a cloth from the table to absorb the water that flowed in all directions, my hands still shaking as I picked up one shard after another. I focused on drawing in shaky breaths to calm myself down before it felt like someone had ripped my skull open before proceeding to squeeze everything out of my brain. I dropped everything and clamped my hands over my mouth, tears running down my face as I tried to will the pain away. This couldn't be another vision, could it?

Another stab of pain prodded my brain and I groaned, shutting my eyes to try and focus on whatever happened to be the root of the pain. I opened my eyes, only to find that my vision was blurring. I scrubbed at my eyes, drying my eyes of the tears that filled them due to the pain, but my vision was not getting clearer with every swipe. I hadn't heard the door open, and the shadows made no sense to me now that I couldn't make anything out of them. It could have been the light playing tricks on me, so I glared at the floor and shuddered.

"Firdaus?"

His voice pierced through the pain and I felt a sound escape my lips out of my volition. I planted my hands on the ground and pushed myself backwards, remembering that there was a wall close enough to support me. My palms were getting damper with each push toward that wall, and I barely registered the possibility that it wasn't from my perspiration or the water that flowed on the floor.  The moment my back hit the solid structure of the wall, I curled myself up in a ball and let it support my frame, whispering to myself that everything was alright. The pain was going to stop. It had to. The shadows moved about again, and I knew this wasn't the light playing tricks on me. He was moving towards me.

My whispers continued, but it had changed from self-assuring mantra to a threat for the man who wouldn't hesitate to snap my neck at the mention of a wrong name. "Please go away." I buried my face in my hands to stop looking at the shadows. He was still there, I felt him there, and I wanted to reach out and push him, but that could potentially make the pain worse. It was at that instant that his hands wrapped around my forearms to tug them away from my face, but I glared at the ground in hopes that he would understand something was wrong, and that I wanted to be alone. 

He did the absolute opposite. I felt his hand touch my chin, tilting it up to look at him - his face was a silhouette, and I couldn't make out any feature. I tried really hard to look closer, to stare at him till something came into focus. My vision was now reducing to splotches of light and I forced myself to break from his hold, clenching my jaw to prevent a groan from escaping.

"Firdaus, please look at me," he pleaded. 

Tears flowed down my cheeks, as realisation struck me that he was actually worried. This was a man who wanted to know what was wrong with me. He didn't think I was an anomaly, an insane person, or possibly possessed - he just knew something was gravely wrong.

"I can't."

A frustrated sigh escaped from him. "Just look up and tell me what's wrong. Please, Firdaus."

"I can't see anything, Noor."

This first statement felt like an admission to myself rather than to him. I couldn't see anything and I was frightened. Would I go blind? I said it again, this time louder, hearing my voice crack, breaking my resolve further. He reached out to cradle my face in his hands, his touch so gentle that it felt like they weren't wrapped around my cheeks. "What do you see?" I reached out blindly, till I felt my fingers graze a lock of his hair. "I can see the outline of you, like a silhouette. I can't see anything except for shadows and figures," I whispered. His fingers wiped tears that escaped my eyes and I sucked in a shaky breath.

"Firdaus, I am going to carry you to the bed now, ok?" I nodded slowly, feeling his hands leave my face to wrap themselves around me. My head touched the soft pillow, and I looked around frantically for the shadow that represented Noor. "Noor?" 

"I'm here," he said, as a finger touched my nose. A sigh of relief left my lips and I turned in the direction of his voice. "I don't know how this happened," I whimpered. He ran his fingers through my hair and shushed me. "It's ok, I'm so sorry about what I'd said earlier. I wasn't thinking right and I shouldn't have hurt you." I nodded. "Please stay with me," I whispered, embarrassed to admit that I had been afraid. 

"Always, Firdaus." 

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I opened my eyes, adjusting to the bright light that now shone around me before my eyes settled on my grandmother. She looked exactly the same as she had when I was twelve. Tears welled up in my eyes and I brought her hand to my cheek. "I'm so sorry, Nani."

She chuckled, the deep voice reverberating through my chest. She pinched my cheek and gave me a huge smile. "Whatever for, beti?" I returned her smile with a small one, "I tried telling Maa, even Baba, about my dreams but they didn't believe me. I could have saved you." She wiped my tears away and crushed me in a hug that brought back so many memories, it physically hurt to be around her. "Nothing was your fault. Things happen according to His will, beti. Just like how you were given a gift that should be cherished, and not feared." 

I pulled back to look at her. "But this gift has brought nothing but pain and sadness to me." She smiled, pressing her lips to my forehead. "You will learn to accept all of this and to use it for the good of people. Just believe in yourself, and those around you."

"Nani, I've been abducted by someone called Noor. I can't escape, and I miss everyone at home. Maia is pregnant, Nani. I promised to be there for her, and now I cannot be there for her because I don't even know where I am." She nodded, pulling me in for another hug.

"Has he hurt you?"

I shook my head. " He scares me, Nani. I don't know what he wants from me."

She chuckled. "Oh but I think you do, beti. You know what he wants." I shook my head harder, refusing to accept her statement. "Not all that is light is good, beti, and not all that is dark is evil. Listen to your heart."

"I don't want to!"

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My eyes snapped open, and I was back in the room I had been locked in with Noor for days. I could see again. I turned to my side, my eyes falling on his hand that was wrapped around mine. I slowly unwrapped his fingers from my hand, holding it in a death grip, about to slide it out from his hold when his fingers clamped back down and his eyes opened. It took him a few seconds to understand that I was staring at him with a mix of fear and relief, before pulling me into an embrace that threatened to cut my air supply. "Noor."

"You're ok," he whispered.