A Selfish Moment

19 - Jubilee - 8:00 AM

I can't let this happen again. I have to end it before Aryana gets used to Everett, before I get attached to him. I clung to Luke when my parents passed...I'm not going to use Everett as a crutch.

Luke stayed with me for years because he felt sorry for me, for suffering both my parents' deaths within months of each other. For that, he was noble, generous, even a gentleman for staying simply because I needed him. Once Aryana was born, she filled the giant hole my parents left and then some. We both understood that the single reason our relationship lasted so long was trumped by Aryana's arrival. She was my flesh and blood, and nothing could ever change that. Our relationship didn't stand a chance.

I admit that I needed Everett last night. I needed him to stay with Aryana while I saw Sophie in the hospital, to safely accompany us up to my apartment after seeing the police tape less than fifty feet from my building, to hold me in the protection of his arms while I slept soundly, while Aryana slept down the hall. Everett is a gentleman, and would undoubtedly stay with me as long as I needed, out of a sense of obligation. That's not a good base for a relationship. I know how that type of relationship ends.

When Everett slams the door to my apartment I feel my heart ache with a hollow sense of loss I haven't felt in a long time. He probably sees me as some sort of lunatic at the peak of a menstrual cycle. Maybe that's a good thing...cut my losses while I'm ahead. I doubt he's ever dated a control-freak, single mother with an extreme distrust of men. I'm doing him a favor.

Maybe I should have been straight forward, maybe a bit more open about my reasons, but I seriously don't have time for this. I have to see Sophie, take Aryana to school, send out a few emails, and adjust my schedule for the rest of the week. Sophie needs me, Aryana needs me...I don't have time for any selfishness, no matter how much I want it.

If Aryana hadn't interrupted us last night, the evening would have unfolded into the kind of night I haven't had in years. Just recalling the way Everett leaned on me between my thighs makes me hunger for him. The sucking sounds he made as his teeth grazed my neck, the moan he released when he kissed down hard on my lips...the simple thought of what could have been is working me up into a frustrating frenzy, and I find myself untying and retying Aryana's boots.

Within minutes we are speed-walking to her school. I take a cab to the hospital and arrive at the entrance to the ICU by nine. When I head towards Sophie's room, I hear laughter. At first I thought I was mistaken with the room, but then I see Isaac bending forward and smiling towards where Sophie's bed is stationed.

"Jubilee!" Sophie shrieks softly. She grunts slightly as she adjusts herself in her bed. "You have to kick Isaac out, he's making me laugh and it hurts. My stitches are about to burst."

"She's a good audience. I'm really not that funny," he says.

"No, you're not." Sophie winces, and then smiles. "You are so paying for this later."

"How did you get in? I thought only family was allowed in." I ask quietly, confused by their jovial moods.

"I lied." Isaac whispers back. "I told them I was Sophie's cousin. The nurse let me in." He shrugs his shoulders. "She looks great doesn't she?"

"Stop it. I look horrible." Sophie says playfully.

I storm out of the room to hunt down a nurse, ready to scream at whoever called me this morning. An older, heavy-set nurse with a thick Jamaican accent picks up a clipboard from behind the counter before explaining. "She was placed on the dialysis machine at two in the morning, because her kidneys weren't functioning properly. Usually there is treatment for this, but because of the threat of sepsis, the doctor decided to put her on the machine immediately."