BTS WINGS

JUNGKOOK - BEGIN

At only 19 I had lost so much. My loving father, my partner, whom I loved unconditionally and a hyung who I held dear in my heart.

Three things a person could lose over their life time and I lost it all in a year. I wonder, who made it like this? Who decided that I could handle that amount of pressure and hurt? I tried so hard to do everything right, I made sure every aspect of my lifestyle was perfect and yet people still found fault.

I tried my hardest to be there for my mother when my father had died yet she pushed me away and the motherly love that she once had for me turned stone cold and became ice filled hatred. What was wrong with me?

I tried so hard to show him the love I had for him. Everyday I told him how much he meant to me. I shared my inner most secrets with him and sought refugee under him. He was my soldier, my rock and the love of my life. And yet even after the love I exposed to him, even after the gratitude and loyalty I gave to him, he still left me. Was I not good enough for him?

My hyungs. My best friends. The people who were more than family to me, who decided it was okay for them to have worries? Who dragged their lives to a point where they wanted nothing more but to forget everything that happened. Was it the woman who made Yoongi weep in despair? The father whom was worthless to Taehyung? Or the crippling disease in which took Jin away from us? Why couldn't I do anything about it?

I hated it. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything. That fact that for the first time in my life I couldn't help at all. The perfection of a specimen, people once told me I was, that was worthless. I was worthless. I could commit to nothing and I was helpless to what the world put to me and the people I cared for.

They weep and all I can do is stand idly by, waiting for a chance, a miracle to save them. I wanted nothing more to see them happy again. When they wept I would as well. Seeing them in pain would always rip at my soul and tear it to pieces. The day in which Yoongi was going to take his life, I felt my body go numb and paralyze when I saw him surrounded my the flames he created. Why would someone push him to that point? Why would someone do that to my hyung?

I know now that I never want to feel that way again. That guy wrenching feeling when you realize that the one you love can never love you back. The empty feeling when the one you looked up to departs suddenly never to never to be seen or heard from ever again. I know now that I never want to see my hyungs to the point were they want to end their lives.

Because I care for them. Because they are my all. Because they made me begin.