BTS WINGS

YOONGI FIRST LOVE

First Love

Love. An emotion.

    She, was the one I was in love with. They, who I loved. The woman, my family. I cried tears of joy, I wept when my sadness consumed me, and I laughed when you were with me. Yet now they are all but memories. Faded and withering, just like the love we once shared. It wasn't real, just a cheap façade.

Does she remember when we first meet? I was 14, awkward but only for a second because she greeted me first. She held my hand, talked to me like she wanted to know who I was, what made me, me. And I opened up to her, I shared everything about myself and she told me all about her. That small action she commenced changed my life. What was a budding friendship turned into a flame of affection and love that burned brighter than anything. She was everything to me, her flame, no, our flame roared and raged stronger than anything we could have imagined. Yet she extinguished it and without hesitation.

Just like that she threw me to the curb as if I meant nothing to her.  Did she not know how much of an impact she had on me? My teen ages, they were filled with misery and loneliness. Yet she came along, gave me music and taught me how to express myself, how to vent. Thanks to her my sadness could have been portrayed in a score, a melody. I thought that's what I needed, music could take me anywhere, lift me up. But I was wrong.

She left and my tune became dull. No beat could bring back what I put my heart and soul into. No tempo change could reanimate the life into my pieces. Because she took my ability to play and for that I now hate her. I once adored her, I was happy when I looked into her eyes she was my muse, but now, she is nothing to me. Like the jade from a key, the white ivory, dust collects on her because she is now forgotten. No longer significant.

And yet I still wanted to end myself. Yes she was forgotten but the pain was still left behind and because of that pain I caused others to hurt. I caused my brother to bellow in misery, misery that I caused and I feel guilt for it. He watched me as I had reached my lowest point and he felt agony in his bones. He tried to help me, comfort me in my time of despair but I pushed him away, abused his aid. All along it was my fault just like she said. But I can never forget the experience. She whom I loved more than ever, I despised.

It was never real. Love was a word for an emotion beyond any others. Love could make you do crazy things, they were right on that one.

But no one said anything about the negative effects of it. No one told me the wrenching feeling you gain when betrayed by the one you had loved the most in your life. No one told me about how the love for a brother turn so bitter.

My first love, my first hate.