i breathe lifetimes | vkook

1930

17 march.

dormant azalea,

     one thing struck me so immensely today, and that was to take my own life. i was sat in a carriage, not alone, yet i felt loneliness eating at my bones. my sinewy could no longer withheld such a destructive sensation. i fought but i was far too brittle to triumph gallantly over this compulsion. 

     soon later, i step down onto the wetted stone pathway─time's square, my decreed destination─mindful that you were more or less half a pirouette away. 

     you, my everything encapsulated in singularity, the one who owns my all, in your ruffled blouse and silk vest and polished leatherettes─rugged entwined handsome. i could only watch you from a shop window for my house disallows the practice of conversing with commoners. my sweet spring dew, you are beautiful no matter what home your soul resides in.

     i gave seasoned regards to those whom i knew as they walked by; work claimed the succeeding events of their day while reminiscing claimed mine. though they smiled at me, their gestures ignite no spark to fuel my future fantasia. unlike a mere invitation to your gaze, i should be simply bewitched. you could say that i'll forever be in your spell, coiled around any of your fingers which i long to hold once more. my light, regardless of our constant separation, i adhere to the heavens that sow our fates together. i continue to long, day by day, for everything that is you.

     today, news made its way to my ears that a ninth planet, not nearly as close as neptune or mars to ours, has finally claimed its position in our galaxy's solar authority. should i be so unfortunate to wake up one day, walk on its plane and know of your nonexistence, i would prefer to never have lived at all. what such horrific imagination i possess, wouldn't you say so, my love? my fear tends to waver but it is always the same─that without you, without you, without you, i am nothing but a vessel. if i should be so selfish to forsake my time here by putting a bullet through my head, i should've thought ahead before i allowed myself to fall into your webs. because now my every cell─blood or tissue─has memorized your name, whether past or present. not even death's enticing can dethrone this love i have for you.

─zinnia