i breathe lifetimes | vkook

2006

29 june .

dearest azalea,

      have you ever viewed the ocean through the eyes of a solemn man? was there ever a tempest of desire raging beneath your skin as the blue called out to you? were you ever allured by the thought of the universe giving birth to a world within one where we reside; where you used to?

     I took for the site where two separate worlds meet in-between, where the sand cascades for lengths unmeasured—like those of a train on a bride's gown—and the water kisses it like a lover lost in time then finally found. where it extends in a willing manner, to embrace its pungent partner; by piquancy it lives, oh, the water. coveted by unkindled warmth, it is much like I.

      souls are never oblivious like the waves that continuously crash, in selfless purpose, seeking the redolence of the seaside fragrance and the taste of motley matter by the bay. what was it that I failed to say? do tell me someday? because even as the wind bribes the sea to carry mankind's legacy away, it has always peppered my toes with tiny clear specks with my feet pressed onto the quay.

     to our dear creator, I shall be so confident to request you one final thing. let me die with my eyes open, to the image of my love. maybe we could meet once more in the life awaiting us in this deep impenetrable abyss. 

     our lives have never been predetermined though death is imminent as it is impossible to utterly deprive someone of their will. and so, I chose not the risk of a thieving such as natural selection. I could not sit still and wait for my hand to wither or my veins to show. I sunk my toes into the sand—in gold and silver and crushed marble—and slowly allowed myself to fall where I knew we once laid on. during those brighter days, you had your hair dampened by the rain. a smile adorned your face as you looked over at me, whispering your dreams through rhythmic patterns of a careful heartbeat. my flushed little seraphim, with hair as thick as night, how could I lose you like this?

     human as I am, built from errors and flaws, I still wonder what wrongs I've committed so gravely to have a consequence like this handed to me. have I been so unkind towards the sprouting florae on the edges of a neighborhood pathway to have my precious azalea robbed from me?

      no more, I conclude. how could I bear this? quickly I shall answer. simple. I could not.

      I swam towards the sun, towards the tangerine spillover, until my lungs were filled with secrets from all the generations that have passed and have been forgotten as they fused into the ocean. I swam until the water and I were finally one, until my body became translucent. until my blood turned blue.

     darling beloved, if you wake up one morning with tears falling from the corners of your eyes, do not fret for I am alive with you and I'll ensure your safety, kiss your pain away. for our souls once fell into the hands of a frivolous play; romeo and juliet, with a bottomless poison destitute of romantic charm deciding our fate—neither of us have bravery to shield us from the cruel world; never courageous enough to live without the other.

—zinnia