For Phil {Completed}

Ten

"Dan? Can I ask you something?" Phil was coming back from the bathroom, cleaning up my mess.. I had managed to eat half of my food, and he was so proud of me, put once we had gotten to his house, my body just couldn't keep it down.

"Yeah," I nearly whispered.

"Was there a cause for.. This? Something that happened that drove you to it?" Oh, there was. I knew there was. But I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about the lashing out, the words, the bruises. But I did. I let them all back in, a cascade of abandoned memories all piling on top of me. With tears starting to slowly fall down my cheeks and Phil's hand reassuringly tracing circles on mine, I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it, bear? I won't push you to, but it might help. I took a second before I nodded.

"He was my first boyfriend. I had to hide him from my mom, because she hates me being gay- it drove my dad away." I sniffed back more tears as Phil waited patiently for me to continue. "I was fourteen, almost fifteen. He was a year older. I fell in love with him. His vibrant green eyes and soft lips- it was everything to me, all I cared about." I couldn't keep the silent tears from continuing to fall, moving down my cheek and falling onto both mine and Phil's hands, but he didn't seem to notice or mind. "It was great most of the time. He was nice and caring. We spent my birthday skipping school to bake cake and play games. My sixteenth birthday, we continued the tradition and made cake, and I was ready to spend the rest of the day eating it. But he wouldn't let me. He only let me have one piece, then said "you don't need anymore; it will only make it worse." I wasn't too sure what he meant then, but I'd always trusted him, so I just nodded and we continued the day. Then, as it got later, we were in his bed, just talking." The tears fell quicker for a moment as I relived the memory. Phil kissed me cheek, a silent gesture that it was okay. "It went from talking to kissing to making out to-" I didn't want to say it, and the caring and sympathetic look in Phil's eyes said I didn't have to. "But I hated it. It was rough and quick and nothing like what I thought or wanted it to be. And from there everything just fell." I let out a small sob, wiping the tears away quickly as if I could act like they weren't there. Phil rubbed more circles into my hand and I nodded before speaking again. "He took it as the indication and okay that he could use me- do or say anything he wanted and I'd still love him. Worse thing was, it was true. After the sex, he gradually kept telling me more and more that I wan fat. That I needed to lose weight if he was ever going to love me right. I wanted him to love me- to love me the way I loved him." I said the last part though choked sobs and Phil kissed me lightly again on the cheek. "He'd use me the way he did our first time at least once week, getting rougher and rougher. Then one time I had tried to reject- had a bad day and wasn't up for it, I just wanted him to hold me close and love me. But the more I tried to deny and resist it, he angrier he got. Shouted profanities and told me I was fat and worthless before-" I let more quick tears fall "- before he punched me. Hard. Left a mark for over two weeks. And that was only the beginning. That gave him the notion that he could abuse me and he'd get what he want- so that's exactly what he did. Everytime he saw me eat anything- and I mean anything- he punched me in the gut and made me throw it up- showed me how to." I let out a few more sobs, and I saw a few tears slip from Phil's eyes. "Everytime he saw me talking to someone he hadn't told me to, he slapped me hard. Anytime he thought I was flirting with someone, he punished me a sexual way. But I couldn't take the hint that it was wrong. I thought he loved me just because he said he did and, god I-I was so wrong He didn't care about me for shit." I was sobbing now, tears falling like a waterfall. "But I loved him. God, I loved him so damn much." I took a minute before taking a deep breath and continuing. "About five or six months before I met you, he broke up with me. He had saw me out with a friend- female friend- having lunch. The next time he saw me after that, he beat the living shit out of me. I swear I couldn't breath right for a week, and I had bruises all over my stomach and sides. Shouted at me, calling me worthless, fat, stupid, fag. Told me to starve myself until I died. So I-I guess I tried to. It just all led up to this." I was numb and empty now, having let it all out. "But in a way, I guess it was worth it. I got to meet you, an-and you're probably the best thing that ever has and will happen to me."

"Dan, I-" I put my finger to his lips and shook my head. I didn't want to hear how sorry he was, or how it broke his heart that that happened, or that I "didn't deserve it." I didn't want to hear it.

"Bed now," was all I said. He nodded, letting me change in the bathroom, coming back to see him in flannel bottoms and no shirt while I had on long sleeves and flannel bottoms. I curled up in his arms, falling asleep to him whispering "I love you" in my ear.

Shorter chapter, I'm sorry, but you learn about Dan's history 0_0 Yeah His ex doesn't have a name cause I couldn't think of one ngl so ye. Also, the next chapter is the LaSt ahhh.  You'll have to tell me what you thought of it, because I was like really hesitant to post this and stuff cause it was/is a mess and I didn't think it would be good enough at all, so yeah nay kind of feedback would be amazing and much appreciated! Still nothing to say, I'm sorry, I'm like the most uninteresting person ever. Just have and amazing day, try to smile as much as possible, but it's okay if you don't. It's okay to cry or feel down, just pick yourself back up and try again. Love you, thank you, and goodbye! ^-^