depression isn’t just feeling sad, it’s inability to commit, it’s being unfocused, it’s feeling hopeless and helpless, it’s debilitating fear of failure, it’s shaking on the floor because you’re tired of not being able to go to school or have fun or enjoy things. it’s wishing you weren’t hurting the people you love and hoping it’s not always going to be this way.
it’s desperately trying to hold back tears any time something goes wrong, it’s anxiety, it’s fear of the unknown, it’s putting yourself through uncomfortable or painful situations you think you deserve, it’s hating every ounce of your being, it’s wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. and then it’s not caring at all because it’s probably always going to be this way.
it’s staring at a blank page wondering why you should even bother. it’s the inability to motivate yourself, it’s apathy, it’s ignoring everything just to keep yourself occupied in your own thoughts, it’s feeling useless and talent-less and pointless, it’s gazing restlessly at walls knowing it’s always going to be this way.
it’s staying in bed all day, it’s giving up on feeling anything, it’s almost complete neutrality with some disappointment thrown in as well, it’s feeling numb and dull, it’s thinking about nothing but your mind’s flat hum for hours sure it’s always going to be this way.
it’s putting a blade to your wrist, it’s tying a rope to a rafter, it’s holding a handful of sleeping pills, it’s standing at the railing of a bridge, it’s opening a window in a tall building, thoughts racing through your mind like bullets and preparing to step out, almost confident it’s always going to be this way.
but stepping away from the edge in a moment of insecurity is not as weak as you think at the time because recovery, recovery is beautiful and possible. It’s learning how to feel again, it’s learning how to look for those small moments where you’re excited or amused or relieved, wondering if it won’t always be that way.
it’s looking in the mirror and thinking to yourself, you’re not as bad as you think. it’s telling yourself no matter what happens you’re going to have a good day. it’s taking little steps toward eating, or talking to new people, or whatever it is that scares you. it’s the magical moment where you just feel good, believing it won’t always be that way.
it’s healthiness and it’s getting closer to happiness, which by the way you’re never really going to reach but the better you get, the less perfection matters and the more you’re able to appreciate small things. it’s being okay with being okay. it’s accepting your feelings and knowing tomorrow you’ll wake up and feel alright about it because you know it won’t always be that way.
it’s finding hope in the strangest places. it’s letting go of your insecurities for one small moment. it’s taking a deep breath and finding the control to react calmly. it’s regaining stability, it’s cutting yourself some slack, it’s taking a stand and getting back your independence because someday you’ll get things your way.
it’s having a go, it’s letting yourself make mistakes, it’s finding what you love, it’s remembering how happy feels, it’s accepting yourself, it’s building up strength because right now you don’t have things your way.
it’s falling down, of course it’s falling down, but it’s realizing that that doesn’t define you and it doesn’t make you weak. it’s perseverance, it’s finding some focus, it’s getting your life back on track for that time when you have things your way.
it’s fighting. and everyone has that fight in them.
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I know i know not the sort of happy things i should be posting just before Christmas but I read this on tumblr one day and i figured you guys would appreciate it. I admit i have felt like this to an extent but i've found the person that takes all of my depression away and makes me happy.
Alright my little cuddlers, i apologize for not posting in a long time but i've been busy with life. I promise to do my best and post sooner.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Whether it be with family or on your own, Christmas is about where home is.
See you soon my little cuddlers
May the odds be ever in your favor x
