Heart Out ||m.h

5-Paris

Hey kids, we're all just the same
What a shame
But oh, how I love to go to Paris again.

Vivien

When I thought of this moment happening earlier before, I would have laughed my brains out.

Now that it's happening, I feel like my head is in the process of exploding. It is not necessarily awful and gross, as a matter of fact, I think he's my own version of ecstacy.

It's naïve, but I let him guide me. He seems to know what he's doing and I can't fight it. He was the epitome of when your parents say "live life" so you go out with a bunch of friends to a local bar and you end up meeting an "upright and dashing" college guy who seems to be hellbent in pouring out his heart on you. Then after he walks you home, he surprises you by holding you close and kissing you. Self-realizing, maybe you'll learn how to look at yourself in the mirror now. Now that you know that there's an existing human being out there who thinks that you're incredibly smart and funny.

And beautiful.

You didn't expect that there was or will ever be.

Because you know that you are not good enough to belong to any classification of social world. The only thing you know how to do is finding these places yet they never find you.

It's all so bemusing and demeaning. Until he came and you just feel like everything is falling to its respective places. Like the universe is trying to pay you back for all its attempts at bringing you down.

Life is really about those moments, you know.

Kissing Matty, letting him, made me feel like I wasn't a sore finger out of five perfectly undamaged ones. And somehow he knew that and he doesn't mind at all.

•••

"About freaking time." Matty yelled over the sound of the rain's steady pouring. His friends just walked in and was expectedly greeted by Matty's disapproving and scowling face.

I bet they knew that was coming.

"Look, man. Let us explain." Ross held his hands up in defense.

"Hmm 'kay. Explain."

The three of them just stood there, looking baffled and hung-over. Seriously, drinking that much is a serious and unbecoming problem for young men nowadays. It is an abuse of freedom and an exploit in youth and the knowledge of time's brevity.

"Actually, we have nothing." Ross said. "We can only apologize for being assholes."

Matty nodded calmly. "Yeah, like stealing my car."

"Isn't that what I said?"

Matty rolled his eyes and left things out like that.

"Yep. Thanks for letting us hear the end of it." Adam patted Matty on the shoulder. "Means a lot, Healy." He went to the couch and fell asleep right away, it was a little unsettling.

"Oh hey, Vivien." George noticed me sitting there.

"Hi."

"You're still here." He says.

"Yeah. Apparently so."

"Yeah. Although, maybe it's because of us."

I looked at him, puzzled and confused, wanting him to elaborate.