It's Just Me

I hope it's fine

I've been in my own little world for the past two days. I can't stop thinking about the fact that Lindsey is seeing someone. Sure, I've told him numerous times to find a woman, because we would never work, but have I ever actually meant it? No! It sounds horrible, but I thought he loved me enough not to look elsewhere. Didn't he think it would hurt me?

Ugh, I shake my head... I've been sounding really selfish lately, but I can't help it. Lindsey is the love of my life, I've known him longer than anyone and I always think that no matter what, he belongs to me. That's apparently far from the truth. I wonder what she's like? Why does he like her? How long have they been together? Is she prettier, skinnier than me? Is she younger than me?

I didn't even feel when my eyes fill with tears, several rolling down my face. I wipe them away quickly, hearing Alex calling me. "I'm in here!" I yell from the family room and he comes in a moment later. "What is it?" I try to smile at him. 

"What's wrong?" Alex takes a seat next to me. 

"Nothing, ignore me." I wave it off, closing and putting my journal away. "So, what did you want from me?"

"I just wanted to check if I can still invite a few friends over on my birthday, seeing as things haven't been great around here recently."

"Oh, of course, Alex. It's your birthday!"

"One of those friends is a girl, though." He looks away and I smile at him. "Violet, we've known each other for a couple of weeks."

"Sure, son, whatever you want." I take his hand in mine for a moment, squeezing in support.

"I'd like it if Dad could come, too..."

The smile fades from my face, but I can't stand in the way. I have absolutely no say in it, so I nod. "I see no problem with that." Since it won't be just Lindsey, because Mick is coming too, along with Lori, who are Alex's godparents, I think I'll manage. 

~

It's September 26th and Alex is turning eighteen. Where did the time go? It seems like I was just finding out I was carrying him, going to the first doctor's appointment, decorating the nursery and buying tiny cute onesies... 

I'm so grateful to have Alex. I wasn't exactly young, when I had him. I knew the risks, I realized I could miscarry, but... Lindsey gave me the support I needed, he was there with me every step of the way, replacing those negative thoughts in my head with happy ones. And we were happy. We were excited to become parents. I don't know what went wrong, though. When Alex was born, I sank into depression. I wanted my boy, but I didn't want Lindsey near me. I shut people out, I was distant, I was sad, I was lazy, I was in pain, not physically, but I was in pain. Lindsey tried, my God, did he try to fix us. I just didn't want us to be fixed. At first, he moved into the guest room, then about a year and a half later, he walked out. I can't blame him. I know it wasn't because he didn't love me anymore, he simply got tired of getting nowhere despite is best effort. And we had made plans, big plans. I was supposed to be Mrs. Buckingham...

There's still a little time before Alex's guests would be arriving, so I leave dinner for a while and go up to my bedroom to change and put some makeup on. Wearing my usual 'uniform', I sit down at the vanity and carefully apply light makeup, then run a brush through my hair. Tonight's about Alex, I'm not the center of attention for once and I'm kind of glad. It gets exhausting.

Hearing the doorbell ring at exactly 6 pm, Alex goes to open the door and I hear the voices of his friends, who wish them a happy birthday, as I just greet them all quickly, going back to the kitchen. Not much later, Mick and Lori arrive, and once they'd given Alex his birthday gifts, they come to me. 

"How may I help?" Lori asks, while Mick is working on opening a bottle of wine.

"No need, I'm almost finished. Although, you could set the table?" 

"Sure." She nods and goes to take out the plates, before walking with them to the dining room. 

"Where's your boyfriend?" Mick then asks. 

"He's not coming." Christian was supposed to be here tonight, but he called me last minute to inform that he's going to be working overtime. "What's your problem with him?"

"No problem." Mick shrugs, handing me a glass. I glare at him, but keep my mouth shut. 

Fifteen or so minutes pass, when Alex is opening the front door again and my heart stops momentarily, hearing Lindsey's voice. Wait... who... who's that? There's someone else. I gulp, as if I'd been paralyzed, I don't move. He brought her with him? To my home, to our son's birthday party?

As if Lori read my mind, she approaches and whispers. "What the fuck?"

I don't speak, I can't. I'm fighting back tears to the best of my ability, but it's getting more difficult, when Lindsey enters the kitchen, with her.

"Good evening, Stevie." Oh God, that's so formal. 

"Hi." I mumble and I'd like to return to that glass of wine, but...

"I'd like you to meet Olivia. I hope you don't mind. Alex said it's fine."

I shake my head, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Of course." Faking a smile, I extend my arm. "I'm Stevie."

"Olivia." She gives a small nod, shaking my hand. 

I think I'm going to be sick.

"Why don't you go and take a seat in the dining room? Lori, could you please fetch another plate?" As soon as everyone leaves me the hell alone, I down my wine and almost smash the glass, placing it on the counter. 

I can't help it. I start crying, covering my face with both hands, turned away from the entry into the kitchen. I then feel a pair of arms wrapping around me and I know it's Mick, as I lean into him. 

Lori takes over and serves dinner, while I go back upstairs to wash my face and reapply the makeup. I didn't think it would affect me so badly. Why would he bring her over? Especially today! The image of the two holding hands, as they came in, then Lindsey's arm around her shoulders, as he pulled her closer... I feel another wave of tears coming, but I take a deep breath, shaking myself mentally. I can't stay up here and cry through the whole night. 

Before I leave the safety of my room, Alex knocks and comes in. "I hope it's okay that I told Dad, he can bring Olivia."

"Sure, of course. Have you met her already?"

"Yeah, once. She's alright." Alex shrugs. "Dad said they've only known each other a short time, but he likes her."

I divert my eyes, as I say. "Well, as long as he's happy." Smiling weakly, I then let Alex go back to his friends, while I return to the dining room.

I'm glad Mick is here. He's got so many stories to tell and he'll do anything to entertain people, especially when knows that's desperately needed. I, however, sit quietly, pushing the food around my plate, ignoring th right side of the table, where Lindsey and Olivia are sitting. She does seem younger, but not too much, so that's alright. I wouldn't think she'd be his type. Maybe he's had enough of feisty petite blondes. 

Without a clue of how long we've been sitting here, as I'm deep in my thoughts, I'm suddenly brought back to reality, hearing the front door open and close. Relief washes over me as I practically jump from my seat.

"Christian! You're here!" I press myself as close to him as possible, then give him a kiss, lingering a tad longer than necessary. "Oh, I'm so glad you came." Pecking him on the lips again, I take him by the hand and lead him to the others.

As soon as we enter the room, my eyes drift over to Lindsey, his jaw clenched and his hand is no longer holding Olivia's. 

"Take a seat, I'll bring you a plate." I look back up at Christian, before gushing again. "I'm really happy you made it after all." Placing my palm against his cheek, I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips against his.