It's Just Me

I can't handle it

Was I hoping Lindsey would come to me last night? A little. Okay, I was almost sure he'd come, but he didn't. I'm disappointed, but I'm not blaming him at all. Kissing him goodnight was letting him go after me and I thought he'd understand that, but apparently he didn't. Oh well, using words might do the trick the next time, I laugh lightly to myself. It made me think about what he might want out of this. He either let me be, because he's loyal to Olivia and he simply was very nice to me or because he doesn't want to jump into bed right away. I hope it's the latter.

I hear a knock on the guestroom door and I sit up against the headboard, waiting for Lindsey to come in. He doesn't. "Steph? Are you awake?"

I bite on my lower lip, nodding, but I remember he can't actually see me. "Yes."

"Are you dressed?"

"No, I'm not. I'm completely naked." Of course, the door opens as soon as the words leave my mouth and I smirk at Lindsey. "I said, I was naked."

"Yeah, I was hoping you were telling me the truth." He smiles, coming over to the bed, sitting down. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did." I say, giving a nod of my head. 

"Oh, here!" He hands me a cup of coffee. "Forgot about that."

"Thanks." I smile a little, taking a sip, as I close my eyes and moan involuntarily. Or maybe not... "Why didn't you come to me last night?" I ask, without beating around the bush. 

"Please, don't do this. I've been killing myself with that same question. When you kissed and left me down there, I thought, is this some kind of signal? Should I go with you, should I not? What the hell do I do?!" Sighing, he shakes his head. "But inviting you to stay over night, I also promised to you that I wasn't up to anything."

"Since when are you such a gentleman?" I chuckle and Lindsey gives me a look.

"Well, I think we're making great progress and I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions and be the one to ruin it all, so I let you be. I was hopeful that wasn't the only opportunity I had." His eyes move from one corner of the room to another until they settle on me. 

"What can I tell you, Lindsey? I love you. I left Christian and I'm saying, that I love you. I know it could never be easy for us, but... I guess, I'm just beginning to realize that we're not get any younger, yet we still find ways to come back to each other. If we learnt to put our differences aside, learnt to communicate and understand each other a little bit better, maybe something good could come out of it." 

"Are you saying, you'd be willing to try? To give us another shot?" He asks, somewhat carefully, disbelief written all over his face.

"I am."

I see him gulp and blink several times, before he speaks. "Can I please, kiss the hell out of you right now?"

A wide grin spreads across my lips, as I nod and Lindsey moves swiftly, cradling my face in his hands, pressing his lips against mine and I melt. Oh how I've missed the feeling of him kissing me... I don't put up a fight, parting my lips, once I feel his tongue trail over my lower lip. I moan into his mouth, lying down, my back pressing against the mattress and he lies on top of me, our kiss isn't broken for a second.

Despite how absolutely incredible this feels, I remember that Lindsey is not a free man. I would love to continue, I would love to feel his hands on me, him undressing me, as I undress him and we're skin to skin, but I want this time to be different. I want to do things the right way for once.

Separating us, I push at his chest and he stops, looking at me. "What's wrong? Did I do something?" He asks, alarmed.

"No." I shake my head, quickly calming him down. "Not at all. I just... Linds, I hope you can understand me." I give him a pleading look, as I sit up and he does, too, listening. "I haven't suddenly changed my mind, but... You're still with Olivia. You don't belong to me yet." Reaching for his hand, I cradle it in between both of mine, bringing it up to my lips I kiss the back of it. "If you still want to be with me, I want you to first end your relationship with Olivia and I don't want you to be guilty of anything, when you talk to her. I can wait. I've waited for years, I can wait a little bit longer." 

Lindsey continues looking at me for a minute, before letting out a heavy breath, lacing his fingers with mine. "Okay. I understand what you are saying. Just promise me, Steph, please, don't run away from me this time? Don't push me away. I want you, baby, I can't handle it anymore, when you allow me to get closer, then shut me out again."

The sincerity in his voice brings tears to my eyes. I swallow uneasily and give him a sole nod of my head. "I swear. Not this time. Not ever again."