Life's Essence

5- Damage That Was Done

One hour after I got back is when Tyler returned to our room.

Two hours after I got back is when the screaming started.

Four hours after I got back is when the screaming stopped.

During that two hour time period I remained curled in a ball with my hands over my ears, crying and calling out apologies Dallon couldn't hear. Tyler remained by my side the whole time, holding my head in his lap and singing random songs in attempts to drown out the noise. It helped some, but not nearly enough.

The sounds of Dallon's screams will be trapped in my head until the day I die, along with the soul crushing guilt building up inside of me. Even when the screams did stop, I didn't move. I was too paralyzed by the guilt of what I had done. Tyler didn't make me move until I was ready; if it hadn't been for him I would've truly lost my mind.

We went down for dinner, but I didn't eat. It was all I could do to take a few small sips of a water bottle. I felt bad now, but I knew it was nothing compared to how I would feel tomorrow when I saw Dallon. It was nothing compared to how Dallon felt and is feeling.

He probably hates me now. He'll probably never want to see me again after putting him through that.

I couldn't sleep at all that night; of course that's nothing unusual. I still had to work the next day, but thankfully it didn't involve murder this time. It was just collecting some payments and delivering a few orders.

I was numb the whole day.

When I got back to the compound, right when I walked into the door Ronnie was standing off to the side waiting on me. He started leading me towards the infirmary, and that was when I started to panic.

He was taking me to see Dallon.

I wasn't ready for that; I thought I'd have more time to mentally prepare myself. Apparently not. When we reached to door, Ronnie turned to look at me.

"You ready?" he asked.

I shook my head, "No, but I don't think I ever will be. Just get it over with."

He nodded and opened the door. I walked in and he shut the door behind me. There was no one else in here; it was just going to be Dallon and me. There was one bed toward the back with the curtain pulled in front of it. I took a deep breath.

"Dallon?" I called out softly, kind of hoping he was asleep. I was disappointed, but at the same time happy when I received an answer.

"Bren? Is that you?" his voice was completely fucked. It was hoarse and kept cracking.

"Yeah baby, it's me." My voice cracked on the last word.

"Please, come here. I want to see you." He begged. I was surprised that he wanted to see me, but after what I had done to him I'd do anything he asked me to.

I'd kill myself if he wished.

I slowly walked forward, and reached out to the curtain with a trembling hand. Taking a deep breath, I pulled back the curtain. Instantly tears jumped to my eyes.

My baby was lying propped up in a bed, covered in bruises, lacerations, and burns. His lip had stitches in it and his left eye was swollen shut. His arms were exposed revealing rope burns on his wrists from where he had struggled.

Thankfully, the rest of him was covered; I don't think I could've handled seeing any more of the damage I had caused to happen to this innocent angel of a human being. I let out a huge sob and covered my mouth with my hand, tears blurring my vision.

And do you know what Dallon did?

That little fucker smiled at me.

He fucking smiled.

"C'mere Bren," he spoke softly.

"No, no, no. You can't be nice to me Dallon. Not after I've done this to you. Yell at me, scream how much you hate me and tell me you wished I was dead, tell me you never want to see me again. Please, I deserve it! I can't...I...I....I..."

I broke out into sobs so heavy they hurt my chest and I couldn't breathe. He reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me down so I sat on the edge of his bed. He then placed a hand on the back of my neck and pulled me down so my head was resting on his shoulder.

"Sh, sh, sh, calm down baby. Just breathe, it's okay. I still love you; I don't blame you for this at all. I know you; you wouldn't do anything without a good reason."

He trailed his hand softly up and down my back so I could inhale and exhale to the rhythm of it; just like he always did for me before we got into this situation.

After ten minutes I was able to regain control of my breathing. I sat up a bit and placed my hand lightly on the side of his face, afraid of causing him any more discomfort than he was already in.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so fucking sorry Dal. I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts."

He gave me another small smile and pulled my face down to his so he could press a soft kiss to my lips.

"I know Beebo, I know. I love you too sweetie, so much. You can't blame yourself for this, you can't hold on to it. I'll heal, I'll be fine. You're not the one who ordered this to be done to me, and you're not the one who executed any of it. You're not at fault. You're gonna be okay and so am I. It's all gonna be okay."

I let out a small laugh of disbelief.

"Shouldn't I be the one comforting you?" I asked.

"No, I know you. You're going to mentally beat yourself up way worse than any physical damage that could be done to me."

I started crying again.

"I don't deserve you Dal; you're too good for me. Too perfect."

"That's not true, sweetie."

"I've killed people, Dallon. I've sold drugs. I've taken drugs. I've stolen things. I'm the farthest thing from good and perfect."

"Brendon Boyd Urie, you listen to me! You wouldn't have done any of that stuff if we weren't stuck here. You're doing what you can to keep us alive. It's the intent behind that actions that truly matter and I know you. You're perfect in my eyes, and that's all that matters."

Before I could respond, Ronnie opened the door. It was time for me to leave. Today was the tenth; I wouldn't get to see Dallon for eleven more days. I turned my head back to Dallon and kissed him once again.

"I love you, please don't forget that. I'm trying Dallon, I really am."

"I know Beebo, I know. I love you too sweetie."

I gave his hand a gentle squeeze before standing up and walking over to Ronnie. We left the room and were walking down the hall when he spoke to me.

"You guys are so cute and loving. Makes me want to puke."

"Shut up man."

A/N- LOOK AT MY CAT SHES SO CUTE I CAN'T HANDLE IT AHHHH MY BABY