Life's Essence

19- (Un)certain

I woke up feeling groggy and with a killer headache. I looked around and noticed I was back in my bedroom, Tyler was sitting on his bed reading, as usual.

"T-Tyler? What happened?" I croaked out as I sat up, trying to ignore the wave of dizziness that washed over me as I did so.

"You passed out in the shower. I went in there and heard you, you started yelling for...never mind."

"No, tell me. What did I say?" I asked, hoping I didn't blurt out anything I wasn't supposed to.

"You were asking for someone 'to just kill you already'. Repeatedly..." Tyler said sadly, just looking at me. "You don't really want to die, do you Bren?" he asked softly, refusing to meet my gaze. I let out a sigh.

"Honestly, I'm not sure right now. I want to stay alive for Dallon and you but at the same time...I don't know. It's not bad enough for me to do anything stupid so don't worry about it too much." I was trying to brush it off as much as I could. That's hard to do with something as serious as this though.

"What time is it?" I asked trying to change the subject. Tyler let out a huff of air and gave me a pointed look, but let me do it anyways.

"Quarter till six."

"Can we go down to the cafeteria?"

"Fine, but we're not done talking about this." As we walked down to the cafeteria, we passed Dan in the hallway.

"Brendon," he said causing me to pause in my tracks.

"Yeah?"

"You forgot to turn off the lights and close the door."

"Oh ok, sorry."

"What was that about?" Tyler asked as Dan continued walking away.

"Oh, we were both at the gym earlier and I was the last one to leave." Tyler nodded his head and we continued walking on.

I hate lying to Tyler.

That was the code Dan and I used when we needed to meet up. We would meet on the roof at three in the morning.

We ate dinner with the others and no suspicions were raised. I tried to make myself talk more like I used to, but wasn't as successful as I wanted to be. No one blamed me, but I still felt bad. I didn't want them worrying about me anymore than they have to.

Several of us went back to my room and played cards, something we haven't done in a while and I didn't realize how much I had missed it. Missed doing something normal. They all left the room around eleven, we were in the bed by twelve, and Tyler was dead asleep by two.

Perfect.

When it was five minutes until three, I quietly slipped out of bed, put my shoes on, and crept out of our room without waking up Tyler. I was successfully able to get up to the roof where Dan was already waiting.

"What's up?" I asked as I drew near to him.

"Some stuff has come up. Chris needs us to move things along a bit faster."

"What do you mean? We've barely done anything. Surely no one here is suspicious already?"

"That's not the problem. But we're going to have skip a few steps that were originally planned. We know where Dallon and them are, and we sent off the info of all of Andy's connections. There's really just one thing left since we're rushing now."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Killing Andy."

"I want to do it." I said immediately.

"Sorry, Chris said he wants to do it himself." I grumbled out a few complaints but agreed anyways.

"So how the fuck is Chris going to get in here without being shot on the spot?"

"There's one more person here helping Chris. I can't tell you who yet, but they're going to worry about that. Right now, you and I just have to wait until we're given further instructions."

"Seriously? We're supposed to just sit around now? For how long?" I asked incredulously.

"About two weeks, give or take a few days."

The next day I was out with Ronnie again. Normally we rotate with who we go out with, but lately I keep getting stuck with him and it's kind of starting to get on my nerves. Ronnie is treating me different, and I don't like it. We were just collecting making exchanges today and thankfully nothing interesting happened.

Ronnie left me alone, and when we got back I just went back to my room. I tried to read a book, but I couldn't focus. Too many thoughts and too much stress crowded my mind for me to properly focus on the text. I gave up on the book, change clothes, and went to the gym. I hadn't been in a while, and I was long over-due.

I grabbed a water bottle on the way over, and once I got there I did nothing but push myself. I pushed my muscles until they were sore and shaky, and then pushed them even further. I pushed myself until I literally collapsed onto the floor and my arms were too weak to push myself back up. Instead of focusing on all things wrong with my life at the moment, all I could think about was how sore and tired I was. How thirsty I was. How hungry I was.

I was in the floor for I don't know how long when someone finally walked in and saw me there.

"Um, you ok there Brendon?"

"Not sure."

"Do you need help?"

"Please."

He reached his hand down and had to practically pull me off the ground and into a standing position and it took me a few moments to gain my footing again.

"Thanks, Pete."

"No problem."

"I'm gonna...I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Alright."

I had to sit during my shower, my legs were too shaky. Slowly the thoughts from earlier started to return and I let out a groan of frustration. Was there no escaping this?

What happens if Dallon and I do make it out of here? Will I still feel this way? Where would we go?

Surely all of our stuff has been sold by now. We have no money, no family, nothing. What kind of job could I even get? Would the police find out about all of us?

Would I get arrested for all the people I've killed? The drugs I've sold? The drugs I've taken?

Would I ever be able to be normal for Dallon? Will he still look at me and love me the same? Or have I been too tainted in his eyes?

There's only one thing I'm certain about: I'm uncertain about everything else.