Reasons To Try |Completed|

Chapter 17

**Lexi's P.O.V**

I could hear the faint sound of a machine beeping beside me. My head hurt and my throat was dry. I tried to open my eyes but the best I could do was flutter them. I went to sit up but I couldn't. As I fluttered my eyes I looked down and noticed the straps that held my wrists down. I tried to speak but all that would come out were small groans.
Fortunately, groaning was enough because there was someone in my room and they came rushing over as soon as they heard me. It was Ian. "Lex, you're awake! How are you feeling?" He asked. I opened my eyes a bit more and stared at at him. I opened my mouth but only let out groans. "Water?" He asked me.
I nodded and he went and got me a glass and a straw. I sipped it and the cool liquid soothed my dry throat. "Why am I alive?" I asked him.
He tried to hide it but I saw the look he had, he was crushed. "Because Josh knew what you were gonna do and we found you in time to save you." He explained.
I felt angry. "I was supposed to die." I told him.
He had tears in his eyes. "You did." He told. He swallowed hard, trying to keep his emotions in. "Between Josh and I, you were given chest compressions and CPR. We saved your life." He spoke, barely above a mumble.
I turned to look him in the eyes. "Why?"
He looked at me like I was asking the stupidest question in the world. "Because we weren't gonna let you leave us."
"I wanted to die though. You took that away from me again. I was finally happy knowing that I didn't have to struggle through life anymore."
He held my hand. "But you have reasons to live and overcome your struggles. You have Madison and Cassadee and they need you to be alive for them." He told me.
I flinched my hand away from his. "Why? So I can bring them down with me?" I asked rhetorically. "I don't want them to suffer. Believe me, they might've been upset about me dying for a little bit but they would get over it and when they grew up they would thank me for sparing them the fall apart that would have been their mother." I told him angrily. 
He stared at me. "Why do you want to die so badly? What is so horrible in this world that you can't bear to be alive a moment longer?" He asked me curiously.
"I don't expect you to understand my reasons. But you should have respected it."
He chuckled. "You think I should be on board with you killing yourself?" He asked. "You know, I understand being depressed about all the things that have happened recently and even having suicidal thoughts, but how can you actually justify using your children as an excuse to end your life? I can't understand that!"
I turned my head. "They didn't ruin your life." I mumbled out. He huffed and I looked back at him. "I had everything until they came along. I'm not proud to say it...I think I hate my kids." I told him honestly. I don't know if I actually do but I know I would never have broken up with Josh if I never got pregnant with them.
Ian gave me a look of disappointment. "Yeah, I'm sure they asked to be born to a mother who didn't want them. They had nothing to do with it! It was you and Josh. You two made a mistake, he was a dumbass about it and then you made the choice to live with it."
"And then my life turned into chaos!" I shouted above him. "You seem to forget all of the events that took place. My parents kicked me out, I was kicked out of school, you were off becoming a star, Theresa was off at college. I had nobody and nothing and I was still a child to top it all off."
Ian shook his head at me. "Every time you run into a problem, you run away and blame someone else. And when things get really bad, you try to kill yourself. Truth is, you are a spoiled brat who never really grew up!" He told me.
I felt tears brimming my eyes. "Truth is, I'm scared." I whispered.
Ian grabbed my hand and rubbed it soothingly. He used his other hand to brush back my hair. "Everyone is scared. Life is terrifying and everyday brings people new surprises. The secret is learning how to deal with it all." He told me. "And maybe I wasn't always there for you. I know that I was supposed to be the brother to teach you the mysteries of the world but I don't know either. I am scared too, but I find my reasons to be alive. And that doesn't make me suddenly feel fulfilled but it certainly helps." He told me wisely.
I couldn't help the crying that forced its way to the front. "I really screwed up this time, didn't I?" I asked. He said nothing, simply embracing me was enough.
————————
The rest of the day held nothing for me. Nurses and doctors came and went, checking in on me and changing my bandages. Ian stayed the entire time and even though I didn't want them there, Matt and Josh came to see me as well. After a while, Theresa came to visit. She cried the moment she saw me. She gave me trouble for being so cowardly and not thinking about those who loved me before trying to end my life. 'Those girls rely on you to take care of them.' She told me. The whole time I stayed silent, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even Ian anymore.
I laid in the bed with my hands strapped level to my waist, not able to do anything. It's not like I would be able to even if I wasn't strapped down. I fail at everything I do and now I'm too weak to even try. I guess I had really lost a lot of blood, just keeping my eyes open was a struggle of its own.
Visiting hours ended and everyone was forced to go home. A nurse came into my room to change my blood bag and check on my wrists. "Everything looks good. Someone should be here to check up on you again in a few hours." The woman told me.
She was older, perhaps in her late forties or so and she didn't look very happy to be in the room. I glanced at her, unsure of her mood. "You seem kinda... Unhappy."
The woman stopped what she was doing and stared at me. "My mood is none of your business. I am here to take care of you and go about the rest of my duties." She told me grumbly.
I tried to adjust myself, starting to feel pain in my back. "Must be hard, dealing with all the sick people. I bet sometimes it's a relief to take care of someone who's not gonna cough all over you, isn't it?" I asked.
The woman didn't reply, she simply walked away. How rude! I laid in bed bored and feeling sore. I mean, what choice did I have? My wrists are strapped to the sides of the bed so that I can't hurt myself. It just so happens that I also can't move around, which is a huge pain. But I guess I deserved the pain after what I had made the others feel. And then there's my girls, so innocent and without a clue of what had happened. But I don't feel guilt toward them. I know I should, I'm their mother, but I just don't. That in itself should make me feel guilty but again I don't. And then I know that there's something wrong with me.
Maybe it's a good thing that I don't feel guilty about what I did. And although I feel guilty for he pain I caused the others, it's focused at Ian, Matt and Theresa, and I think it's based off the way I felt after the first time I tried to end my life. This time is just a repeat feeling but I don't actually feel guilty about anything. In fact, I don't feel anything... Maybe its a side effect of some weird drug they put me on. Or maybe I was just so screwed up that my emotions are just as defected as I am.

A/N: This is the second last chapter. The next one will be the last. I have other books to read if you are interested. Thanks for reading :)