Faded||M.G.C (Book 2)

One year clean+my journey since then

I'm posting this on all my stories just because
DISCLAIMER: THIS CAN BE VERY TRIGGERING, IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ EVERYTHING, I AM GOING TO PUT A PART IN BOLD THAT I HOPE WILL HELP YOU GUYS IF YOU ARE SUFFEREING OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS.

As many of you know, I suffer from depression and anxiety, bad mood swings and I used to self harm.

Well, it is now the 4th December and it's been a year since I last hurt myself.

Going through this recovery process wasn't easy. Like everything else in like, it's never going to be easy.

I started self harming when I was about 11, in nearly 15 now. It was all due to bullying that I had suffered through school and then it ended up with cyber bullying. That's the worst because you read it with your own voice, like you're telling your self it and it hurts. It really does.

I started showing signs of depression when I was 9 and that was confirmed when I started councilling about March of this year.

Anyway, my self harm wasn't a constant for all those years, I went through months where I was doing it every day and ten months I didn't do it. And I'm not going to lie, I relapsed so many times through out the 4 years, I relapsed at 6 months last year and it was the worst thing I had ever dealt with.

The cuts start out as small and harmless but no one ever mentions that it's going to ruin your life, no one mentions that it escalates to the point you want to die every day and your just want your existence to end.
You wish you weren't born and you feel like everyone wants that aswell.

I have many scars, and over 4 years of my suffering, I've only come to terms with the fact I am going to have all of them forever and there is very little i can do about it. Yes, I am asked many questions or made fun of for having scars because "cutting your self and wanting to kill your self is Emo shit". Obviously that's not the case. And I've recently been able to just roll up my sleeve in school and just chill out if it's too hot or something. And it feel good to finally accept them.

I do get support from people in school, people telling me they hope they don't see any more scars pop up and stuff like that. And it's nice to know people care.

I have wanted to kill myself many times, and tried but backed out quicker than the time it took to actually run around the house frantic. Though I knew, if I went too far I would not have cared.

Now let's look at my thoughts and feelings over this past year:

I was admitted to hospital on the 5th December 2015 by the school after I had told my key worker at school what had been going on. (Break downs, suicidal thoughts, self harm ect) and I was assessed by many mental health teams and I was there for quite a while, from like 5pm till 1am. My dad took me and stuff like that, you're probably read this story on one of my books somewhere.

I was then admitted to a place called CAMHS(children mental health association or something idk) and I had a wonderful psychiatrist called Lucy, we literally became bestfriend and we used to talk about 5sos and stuff that made me happy when I was having a shitty day. She also let me swear (shhh don't tell my dad)
She gave me tasks and stuff to do, kind of like homework but it wasn't educational, it distracted me and made me realise my situation. I finished there on the 21 of September I think, and I got my discharge papers a few months ago, and she was so proud of the progress I made and the fact I wanted to get better.

I have my good days and bad days. I have days where I want to die and days that I was to live like to the max, live life like today was my last day, but if it's my last day, it wouldn't be me ending the day.

I still do have break downs and I do still get urges, some worse than others but I could never pick up a blade or pop a pill out of its packet again. All my blades were flushed down the toilet or throw out the window.

The only think I use a blade for now it to cut my hair, do my eyebrows or cut food up.

This past year has been very difficult, and it will be for the many year to come that I'm clean, but I believe it is all worth the battle with myself.

All those years have made me who I am today, and it is okay to have a battles, it's okay to have scars, what's not okay is to suffer in silence.

Please, if you are suffering, speak up about your problems, every second around the world, someone kills them self, every second around the world, someone makes a new scar on their beautiful skin. Don't let it be you. I will actually beg you to not let it be you, please don't suffer on your own any more. Please, take a deep breath, put the item you are going to hurt your self with down, walk away from that place, and tell someone. You need to live.

One thing I learnt is what the fuck would it be like for your family to walk into your bedroom or your bathroom or where ever you would be, to find their child they raised and love, dead. Their beautiful heart not beating.

Please, reach out and get help. If you don't want to get help from a professional, talk to friends. Talk to me. I am going to be here and I am going to try my best to help you get out of the darkness you are In

There is light at the end of the tunnel and it is okay to take your time to find it, just don't walk backwards and hurt your self.

I love you guys so much, and I couldn't be anymore grateful for you all, you have supported me in the long run and it feels so good to be loved. I love you, please stay here and fight the battle, I'll be right here, you can always talk to me through messages or Twitter @ mikeyskindahot_ Instagram @ mikeycrybaby @ yo.hoe.hoe_

I love you guys, there's always hope.

- t xx