Making Up Reality [Complete Journal]

Dec. 12 2016

~Written under the cloak of another name.

I'm hurt.

  It pains me to talk to you, but It pains me not to. I'm constantly checking my messages to see if I've gotten any messages from you.

  You complain that I don't 'open myself up' to you, that you've poured your heart and soul into me. That I know everything about you, but you know nothing of me. I tell you, "it's all trust issues, the idea you have to tell your friends or 'best' friends everything about you. You have to put a ridiculous amount of trust in the person. I just can't do that. I can't tell someone everything, just to have them run off in a month or two and tell their friend everything I told them because I trusted them."

  You pout at me, saying "you're not everyone to me. You're held above everyone in my eyes, you're the most important person in my life."

  I try to explain to you what I mean by everyone. When I say everyone I mean everyone, but you just don't seem to understand that. You want to be outside of that 'everyone' bubble. You want to achieve the impossible.

  You want instant gratification, you want answers to the questions you ask; questions I cannot express spontaneously and answers I cannot give you.

  I smile at the thought of you, but thinking brings tears.

  In a few years I'll look back at this and say "look how naïve I was, it was nothing. You are nothing to me. You were never anything. This was just absurd." But I guess I haven't reached that point.

  You want me to feel for you how you feel for me. Something I cannot do, I don't have what society or the media would say as feelings, as emo or cliché as that would sound. I feel no different from you to my other friends, or to my family. All my "feelings" are based off on memories and experiences. Maybe that's how it actually is, but that is not the story the media's propaganda tells. It tells that every time I see you, you make me want to faint. That every thought I have is dominated by you. But it's not like that, that doesn't happen. There's not "butterflies in my stomach" every time I see you. And I'm sorry if that's how you feel, and I just can't quite reciprocate. You top or at least tie with the important people in my life. But you are not at the top of the list, you're not by yourself up there.

  I've done the whole relationship song and dance with you, and I don't want to do it again.

  Honestly, I think you're playing a game, you don't have feelings for me, you just think you do. You're making up this reality, putting together puzzle pieces that don't quite fit to make a picture. Or maybe you're just acting it's a lot easier to do something over constant messages then it is to do verbally and face-to-face. When we meet, or when we're in the same area you act like I don't exist. I pull away, leave the group, To see if you notice, sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Well maybe you do have feelings for me, and I'm just too blind to see them. After our last song and dance, I realize how different you are when I wasn't standing in your shadows. When I wasn't following your lead and smiling at all your jokes.

  You're rude, you're hard to be friends with, You were the queen bee of that group you formed before they realized how you actually are and left you too.

  When we last spoke in the summer, you said "we could still be friends" that's what everybody says. It never happened. You forgot, or didn't even knowledge, the fact that I existed. To you -or atleast it felt like- I was no longer a person, I was just placeholder in your way. You didn't look at me like we were friends for years, you brush by me in the hallways, never looking me in the eyes -or for that matter looking at me- . Our three, and yes three conversations in two years consisted of us talking about a project, me talking about a book we both read, And me giving you directions on what to do because you weren't paying attention- instead, talking to your new friends. All of these conversations were forced, and never initiated with both of us completely agreeing on talking to each other.

  I don't know why you stop talking to me, I still don't.

  I'd say "conversation works both ways" and granted I didn't try to talk to you, but you weren't very open to the idea either.

  To reiterate, again I was the equivalent of the One kid that sits in the back of the class, no one ever talked to them, or cared what they did. You talk to your friends like they weren't there. They were a ghost, they were black smoke. They couldn't hear you and they couldn't repeat what you said. No one talks to them anyways, what would they say, who would they tell. They had no friends, they kept their head down they did what they were told and they went home at the end of the day to do it all again tomorrow.

  In that time or you didn't talk to me, and I didn't talk to you, I honestly missed you. Even looking through your bitchy attitude into positive force magnets being pushed together. Somehow I still missed you. I'm grateful to have you back.

  And in out spell together, I never felt any different to you than I thought to any of my other close friends. I acted on what society would say, hoping I would one day feel different about you, but I never got a chance. When you broke it off, I'd say I cry. And that which would be true, but not because you left me heartbroken, you left me scarred. I cry because that's what society did after someone left them, they fall into a sad bubble where all they do id watch Netflix and eat ice cream.

I was fine.

  When you were gone I was fine.

  Particularly happy? no. But I wasn't sobbing, running off to my best friend saying "How you've ruined my life, how I will never love again."

  We are not Romeo and Juliet.

  Like I said, I followed with society told me to do. But something I learned myself, was that you shouldn't get together and promise someone forever. Yes, you could promise me love and compassion, but never promise me forever.

  I could say "I love you", but I'm not gonna say that because that's what you want, I want to say that because I mean it, I don't want to lead you on. You mean a lot to me, But honestly I doubt you will ever mean everything.

Goodnight.