Dec. 15 2016

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by Phixion

by Phixion

As much as you think I'd choose her over you, but doubt that's going to happen. Although when push comes to shove I don't know who I choose. Both of you are wonderful people but in your own way.

I'd choose FJM Because they don't push me when I don't answer something, it stays unanswered. If I want to tell you something I will, If not, then I'm just avoiding the topic. I'd choose them because they listen, they make me smile and laugh. They will take my hoodies so long I forget I even own them. But I'll steal theirs, and they'll laugh at me. Say it's oversized but it still looks good. They have friends I want to be around, friends that I'm not too close to, friends that don't notice what's wrong when I need them to, and notice when I do. Their group of friends is close and hilarious. They accepted me into their group quite quickly. They laughed with me, and they laughed at me but I didn't care. I'd choose them because they knowledge me when we meet in person, they don't only talk to me over the phone or computer. That's something I hate so much, that's something that makes me question your feelings for me.

I'd choose you, because of the memories and experiences. You've hurt me, but I still come crawling back for more. I don't know why I do that, but you have some sort of pull. I'd choose you because you know more than them, you know what's wrong with me all time, and maybe that something I want, But sometimes you push, and you don't stop sometimes I don't need that. I ignore you, and that's not always your fault. I'm sorry for that. But sometimes I just can't be around you.

I'd choose you because I'm closer to you than I am to them. You know more. But you push, and you push; always needy for your answers.

You say I'm pushing you away, but I think it's actually you. The ignoring; that you might not even notice, I notice. I'm not saying devote your every waking second to me, I'm just saying look at me when my head is down, look at me when I'm crying, come over and ask me "Are you okay?" To which I will respond "I'm fine." Even when there're tears streaming down my face. It's not the exact question that I'm looking for, I'm looking for more of the effort. I want to see you trying, I want to see that you actually care for me. Something outside the parameters of your phone and text messages.

You keep saying over and over again "You're the most important person in my life" yet you ignore me. I'm not saying to devote every second of your every walking moment to me, I'm just saying when we meet, I want at lest a "hello." Or a "How're you doing?"
My block 4 teacher keeps asking "what's wrong, are you okay?" Because I have been coming to class for the past week with my face red and by eyes glassy. For and from you. Yet, little do you seem to notice or care.

I tell you how I'm honestly feeling and you say you care for 3 minutes and the next day I hear nothing from you. You look at me and ask if I've spoken a word to you. I smile sadly as you've finally seemed to acknowledge my existence. I say "hi" and you turn back to your friend, satisfied with one word, as you continue to overlook my existance.

I'm going back to sleep.
Goodnight.