Killugon Oneshots

When I Realized

(Play song)

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When I realized you cared, I was shocked. All my life I was told I was a killer. A heartless assassin. No one should care for me. But you did. You showed me that I was worth it. I couldn't believe that you risked your own life, just to save me from my family.

When I realized I was your friend, I was happy. I knew I didn't deserve to be your friend, but I was selfish. You didn't seem to mind. You were always there for me, so I decided to always be there for you. I swore I would never leave you.

When I realized that you made me smile, I was surprised. I never had any reason to smile, but you taught me to smile even in the darkest moments. I smile, when you smile.

When I realized that I cared, was when you injured yourself. I called you a baka, but that was my way of saying I cared. I never knew how to say it, but you seemed to understand. I don't know how you put up with me for two years. I never would have been able to, but I'm glad you did.

When I realized you were my world, was when you were close to finding your dad. I felt jealousy for the first time. I didn't want you to find your dad. Then what would happen? What would we do? Would you leave me? Would you abandon me? I was relieved that we found Kite instead, and I hated myself for it.

When I realized I needed you, was when Neferpitou nearly killed us. I couldn't stand the thought of you dying and leaving me, so I did what I do best. I ran.

When I realized I would do anything for you, was when you demanded to take on Pitou by yourself. I never should have let you do it. I should had stayed by your side, like I swore I would do.

When I realized that I wasn't alone, was when I met Ikalgo. I used what you taught me, and made a new friend. I was never more grateful in my entire life.

When I realized that I hated myself, was when I was running from Illumi with Alluka. I felt worthless and powerless. I had abandoned Alluka, and was letting you die. Your words stuck with me during that time, and only Alluka kept me going. I wish, I had just died though.

When I realized, that I was depressed, was when I cut myself a year after we separated. It felt so nice... the pain of my worst dreams coming true concealed by the cut. I made more you know. I wanted the feelings to go away. I went overboard, and scared Alluka. She and Nanika saved me. But I never stopped. I couldn't stop. It felt to good.

When I realized I loved you, was when we met up again five years later. You had fiance. She was a lovely girl. Sweet and kind. I wanted to hate her, but couldn't. Alluka liked her, Leorio liked her, even Kurapika liked her. When you both asked for my blessing, I gave it to you. I never could say no to you.

When I realized my love for you would turn into heartbreak, was during your marriage. You looked so happy... So did your new wife. I felt like I was going to faint. I felt sick. I felt jealous, depressed and heartbreak.

When I realized that Illumi was right, I was devastated. He had been right all along. After all... he only wanted what was best for me right...? But I couldn't return to assassination. Not now, not ever. I was broken. Wandering the world, hoping for something... anything....

When I realized, that no one actually cared, was when none of you looked for me. Not even Alluka. No one wanted me around. After that realization, my depression got worst. Every day I cut. All over my body. Crimson red stained my existence... I just wanted to die.

When I realized, that I had no purpose in life... was when I finally hung. I decided on the Big Tree... it was where I was once happiest. I stepped over the ledge.... no more pain... no more sadness... finally... peace.