Go On Without Me

Chapter One

May 18, 1994
Jackie's Apartment

Jackie's cancer had spread to her liver, and time was running out. After a long discussion between her and her children, they agreed to move her home to her New York apartment. They all knew that their time together was limited.
After they had got her moved back, Jackie's children and their families surrounded her bedside. At this point, Jackie was still conscious and trying to soak up every minute, as was everyone else.
"Patrick?" Jackie asked with a quiver in her voice. Patrick stood beside her and grabbed her hand.
"Yes?" He asked. Patrick and Jackie had a poor relationship. He felt bad and wanted to make up for lost time.
"I just want to tell you how sorry I am for trying to hold you back." Jackie was trying not to cry.
"Mother, it's alright. Can we not talk about that now?" Patrick urged her to quit talking about it.
"I love you, darling." Jackie cried and squeezed his hand with all the strength she had.
"I love you too, Mummy." Patrick tried not to cry. That was something Patrick hadn't said since before high school. Hayley rubbed his back, trying to comfort him.
"Now where's that baby of yours?" Jackie smiled at Patrick. Caroline was holding Patrick and Hayley's daughter, Riley.
"Right here." Caroline said as she walked to the bed. Jackie reached for her.
"Do you think you need to be doing that?" Caroline asked trying not to be rude.
"Caroline, sweetie, I don't have much time, let's face it. I'm going to do what I want. Okay?" Jackie tried to lighten the mood. "Give me Little Riley Fitzgerald."
Caroline looked at Patrick and rolled her eyes before laying Riley in Jackie's arms. Jackie's eyes lit up, in a way they hadn't since before Jack died. Something about Riley made her feel better. Probably because it was a baby, but Riley liked to believe it was because she was Jack's look alike.
"So Mother, can you tell us some stories about Daddy?" John asked. Caroline and Patrick smiled at him with the Kennedy smile.
"What kind of stories?" Jackie asked, happy to talk about Jack for once. She knew that she would get to see him again very soon.
"What did you think when you first saw him?" Hayley questioned her. Hayley was the closest of the in-laws to Jackie.
"Oh boy..." Jackie sighed happily. "First of all, do you guys know about..."
"About what?" John interrupted. Caroline was the only one of her children that knew.
"There was a good chance that none of us would be here right now." Caroline replied.
"Caroline, quit speaking Japanese." Patrick said. "Come on, spit it out."
Jackie took a deep breath. "I was engaged to another man before I met your father." The reactions on John and Patrick's faces were priceless.
"Hey! Quit standing there like idiots!" Caroline teased. The brothers straightened up, ready to hear this story.
"Indeed. His name was John Husted, a rich little stockbroker from here in New York. It was announced in '52." Jackie said with a smile. "He wanted me to be a housewife, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I called off the wedding."
"Wow..." John was very shocked. Caroline was laughing at him.
"So how did you meet Daddy?" Patrick asked.
"Dinner party the same year. Your father was a senator at the time. I first saw him and thought 'oh it's that snobby Kennedy boy.' He eventually came and sat down by me." Jackie laughed, replaying the whole thing in her head. "Of course, being the person I am, I tried to be nice. I tried to politely dismiss him, but then he looked me in the eyes."
"What did you think about that?" Caroline asked, knowing exactly what she answer would be.
"Oh dear, his eyes were gorgeous. The whole Kennedy charm took advantage of me. If only I could see his eyes again..." Her expression turned sad before the joyful memories came back over her. "Anyways, we dated for a few months and the rest is history."
"America's love story." Hayley said with a warm smile.
"I don't know about America's love story, but it was definitely our own." Jackie chuckled. The room went silent for a little bit before Caroline's oldest daughter Rose spoke up,
"Grandma?" She said softly. Her voice was breathy and sweet, similar to Jackie's.
"Yes, sweetheart?" Jackie replied.
"Was Grandpa Jack a good president?" Rose knew about his assassination, but didn't know much about Jack himself.
"He was decent." Jackie started. "I feel like that is each person's opinion. He had his place, but like I've said, he'd have rather been a man than to now be looked at as a legend." For the one of the first times since Jack was killed, Jackie had opened up about him.
"Were you in love with Grandpa Jack?" Patrick Jr. asked. He was the same age as his cousin Rose.
"Most definitely. Granted, we had our ups and downs, but we loved each other very much." Jackie gave him a warm smile. "Your Daddy helped out with that." She said as she looked at her youngest son.
"True love?" John asked. He knew it was, he just wanted to hear it from Jackie's mouth.
"I think it was a little more than true love." Jackie winked at him.
"Please don't go into detail." Patrick sighed. Everyone laughed.
"Fine..." Jackie teased. "I was just getting to the good parts!" She hadn't lost her sense of humor.
"Can I tell a story on you?" Patrick asked her.
"Sure?" Jackie was curious and scared to hear what he had to say.
"Lem told me this." Patrick smiled.
"This has to be good." John laughed and nudged Patrick.
"It was the pre-inaugural ball. You know, the one that Frank Sinatra did?" Patrick asked.
Jackie face palmed. "Yes..." She was embarrassed.
"He first said that you and Ella Fitzgerald became best friends. Apparently you couldn't find dad and you didn't want to talk to any of his sisters."
"Yes..."
"You had a few drinks, am I correct?" Patrick verified.
"It wouldn't have fun without them." She laughed.
"He said that after Dad ran off to talk to Frank, you went over to Uncle Peter Lawford." Patrick was trying not to laugh. "You asked him something to the effect of, 'I live in that big house now, the really big white one with lots of bedrooms. Do you want to leave a little early and...uh...take me back? Maybe we could have a two person party.'" Patrick and his siblings were dying of laughter. Jackie wasn't enthused.
"What did he say?" Caroline asked between laughs.
"Honestly, I don't remember." Jackie was trying to think about it.
"Something like, 'Jackie, it's me Peter. Jack would get mad at me if we did that.'" Patrick chuckled.
"At least I wasn't a depressed drunk!" Jackie shot back. "You kids don't even know how to party now." Patrick rolled his eyes.
They told many stories throughout the night. No one wanted to let go. The kids kind of had a sleepover in the living room while their parents stayed in the bedroom where Jackie was.
"I'm starting to get tired." Jackie said around 2:00am. Caroline's expression was grim, knowing she probably wouldn't wake up.
They all prayed together. Caroline led them, praying for Jackie to be peaceful. They closed with The Lord's Prayer, a Hail Mary, and a Glory Be.
"Goodnight, Mommy." Caroline tried not to cry. "I love you." They hugged each other. John and Patrick did the same.
"If I do die tonight, I want you all to know that I love you more than anything in the world. Don't cry for me, please. Carry on with your lives and raise your children too be good people. Remember one thing, your last name is Kennedy, you can do anything you put your mind to. I love you." Jackie was quietly crying.
Jackie drifted off to sleep. Caroline, John, and Patrick took turns staying up to watch her. They didn't want her to go, but they knew it was for the best. Jackie did make it through the night.