How Not To Drive Home for Snoggletog

6: Hitch-hiking

Fishlegs could talk. And talk and talk and talk. He felt the insatiable need to share every possible iota of his extremely extensive tax knowledge with his two travelling companions. Hiccup had closed his eyes and rested back against the wall, trying to zone out the droning details of tax minutiae and fight the thumping headache he had developed. He was exhausted, cramped and his stump was really hurting. And they were barely halfway to Berserk...

Astrid was clearly astonishingly bored, though she was more comfortable as she had managed to get up to sit on the top of one of her huge suitcases. She had wedged herself against the wall and was trying to stay awake. Her head nodded and she blinked. Even Meatlug was snoring as Fishlegs happily droned on and on about tax codes.

"You know, had you spoken to me, I could have ensured you had a much better financial situation following your divorce, Astrid," he said superiorly. Astrid's eyes snapped open and her fair brows dipped into a fierce scowl.

"What?" she said icily. Oblivious, the husky man grinned.

"I could have enabled you to make some very prudent financial plans to protect your interests after your marriage dissolved..."  Hiccup's eyes snapped open and he tried to make some frantic gestures to the big accountant. Astrid was wide awake now, her azure eyes absolutely frigid with anger.

"My marriage didn't dissolve," she growled. "It was blasted to bits when my slimebag half-troll gutless bastard husband cheated on me with thirteen cheerleaders, seven female soccer players, a gymnast and the stadium announcer at Visithug!"

Fishlegs gaped and Hiccup cringed: he'd heard Astrid's tone before, usually just before she had punched him or flattened someone who got in her way on the soccer field. As Captain of the school team, she had been a demon midfielder with a reputation for crunching tackles and a volcanic temper.

Strange how those things come back to you, Hiccup thought. Why did I want to go out with her again? But at that point, Fishlegs proved he didn't remember her reputation-or have an ounce of common sense in his body.

"All the more reason to have made sure you secured your financial future after the divorce..." he protested. In an instant, Astrid was on her feet, jabbing her finger sharply into his chest.

"Look here, Philip," she snapped, jabbing, "the absolute last thing I need after my heart has been broken and I've lost pretty much everything in the divorce is to have the boringest man alive drone on about taxes for three hours and then have the nerve to tell me how he could have helped out by sorting my damned tax code! The only way you could've helped was if you had gone and bored my ex husband to death and stopped the swine hiding all his money and spending the rest!" Fishlegs looked hurt.

"You thought I was boring?" he asked.

"Deadly..." Astrid growled.

"Harsh, Ast," he protested. "I was only trying to help and you were just mean and cruel..." He turned to Hiccup, who was cringing back. "What do you think, Harry?" Hiccup waved his hands desperately.

"Oh, please leave me out of this!" he protested. "I was trying to doze..."

"There!" Astrid said triumphantly. "You bored him to sleep!" 

"Now look here," Fishlegs said in an annoyed voice and jostled Astrid. She shoved him backwards and he tripped backwards over Meatlug, who yelped. One flailing hand caught Hiccup across the face...and the other grabbed the communication cord.