Beauty and the Dorito (Bill Cipher X Reader)

Epilogue: Happily Ever After

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Bed, moron.  I stayed up all night, remember?"

"You can't leave until you finish the story!"

"Don't test me, Bill.  I will not hesitate to introduce your face to a nearby wall."

"You h-have to tell us what happens next!"

"But the story's already done!"

"Then give us an epilogue!"

"You know what?  Fine.  FINE.  It's 6:30 in the morning, what's five more minutes."

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Five Years Later

"Bill!" Y/N shouted.  "BILL!"

A few seconds later, Bill burst into the room.  "What is it?" he asked, slightly out of breath.  "What's wrong?"

"Get me a cookie."

His visible eye narrowed.  "Get yourself a cookie."

"No.  I want you to do it."

He crossed his arms firmly.  "Get up and do it yourself.  You've been in bed all day."

"No way.  I'm pregnant and it's your fault, so you should let me do whatever I want."

"I'll have Soos do it," he tried.

"Nope.  You do it."

He sighed heavily, sitting on the bed beside her and resting his hand on hers.  "What's the point of having servants at my beck and call if I can't make them do mundane things like this?" Bill asked.

Y/N rolled her eyes.  "That's no excuse.  After the hell you put me through when we met, you should get me all the cookies I want.  If you'd just told me up front that you were a prince, we could have avoided all the... unpleasantness."

He smirked.  "Well, excuse me for not assuming you'd be quite so shallow."

She beamed at him.  "Obviously you didn't know me very well.  Now make cookies happen."

He chuckled.  "Your wish is my command, kitten.  Cookies, coming right up."

He leaned over to kiss her forehead, then obediently trotted out of the room.

It had been five years since the curse had been broken.  Through a combination of military might, diplomatic strategy, and subtle magic, Bill had retaken his kingdom, which had fractured in the centuries since the monarchy had vanished.  This had taken nearly three years, during which time Y/N and Stanford had remained in the Fearamid, turning the once-grand, if oddly shaped, castle back into something fit for human habitation.  The main issue with the pyramid was that  most of the furniture and dishware had turned back into people, so the bare rooms had to be re-furnished with non-sentient belongings.

When Bill returned home after successfully uniting his kingdom, he and Y/N were married in a grand ceremony.  Everyone in attendance had to sign a legal document swearing they would not break into song at any time during the wedding.

Mabel, whose mind had been entirely erased, had stayed in the castle with Y/N and Ford.  Without her magic and Dipper's influence, she had become a kind and caring person.  Ivan, whose mind had also been obliterated, had left the castle to become a traveling banjo minstrel.

Most of the former castle servants had left the building they'd been imprisoned in for so many centuries.  Soos and his girlfriend, Melody, were among the few who stayed.  Wendy, Stan, and many others had settled in Y/N's former village.

Of course, Y/N wasn't the sitting-at-home type, so she and Ford helped their fair share with the kingdom's affairs.  Y/N studied diplomacy while Ford equipped the army with his inventions.

While Bill's exterior was admittedly much more attractive, his personality hadn't changed much.  He was still the most insufferable, irritating, obnoxious, smart-mouthed, sarcastic, bigheaded prick Y/N had ever known.  And she loved him more than words could express.

"Her Majesty's cookies," Bill announced, carrying a plate into the room.

"About time," Y/N snapped, snatching an enticingly warm cookie off the plate and stuffing it in her mouth, only to spit it out immediately.

"Gross!" she shrieked.  "What did you put in these?!"

"Let's see," he said, pretending to think.  "About a cup of salt, a dash of mustard, and some rainbow sprinkles on top.  Why?  Do you prefer the chocolate sprinkles?"

She threw the half-eaten cookie at his head.  "You're the WORST!  I'm going to-"

"What are you going to do?" he taunted.  "Waddle over here and show me who's boss?"

"Oh, you are going to get it," she growled.  "Help me up so I can kill you."

"As appealing as that sounds, I think I hear the ambassador's horse arriving."  He cupped a hand around his ear exaggeratedly as he exited the room.

"You hear nothing!" Y/N snapped.  "GET BACK HERE, YOU COWARD!"

"Toodles!" he called from down the hall.

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"Th-that's it?"

"That's the end."

"But w-what happened to Eins, Zwei, and Drei?"

"They turned back into paper."

"And what about me?"

"You lived obnoxiously ever after.  Satisfied now?"

"I suppose."

"Excellent.  Now, I'm going to go to bed, and if either of you even thinks about waking me up before dinnertime for any reason, you'd best be prepared to face the consequences."

"Understood.  And Y/N?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for the story."

"...You're welcome."