That's Wrong

January 2, 2017

It's so hard to eat sometimes. You know you should or else your immune system will go down, your energy will deteriorate, if you don't eat your body will become run down and it will be very difficult to function. You know how the system works. 

Your parents notice that you aren't eating and ask why not, you say that you are not hungry. There is a knot in your stomach that ties up and attempts to push any food out that you put in. They say that you need to take care of yourself, you know that, but you simply aren't hungry. There is no simple way around it. If you eat, you know you will just throw it up and your stomach will be empty again. 

They want to talk to you, they want to help you get better, but the words you need to say are trapped, they come out of your mouth in chopped up pieces that don't logically flow. The fragments of your words mean nothing to someone who has no idea what it feels like. To be controlled, to be choked, to be starved to death in a land of plenty, to be dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean. 

When everything falls to pieces around you, you feel that all too familiar pressure around your neck this intense feeling of other's opinions, of other's rules, of your oppressors that have no idea what they are doing, weighing down on you, and every breath you take you struggle to pull it in. You struggle to continue life. 

You wake up in the morning miserable because when you're awake life seeps in and troubles you. Harsh reality rushes towards you at full speed with ice cold hands to rip out your heart. The only thing that seems appealing to you is sleeping more. When you sleep you can't be touched, unless nightmares creep up on you. When you sleep you can temporarily forget about the stress, about the standards that other set for you. All of that fades away and you are at rest. 

Rest, that's one thing I need right now. Peace, that's one thing that is not evident in my life. Energy, that's one thing I don't have. Motivation, that's one thing I really need. 

These types of things shouldn't ever happen to anyone. The tireless knot in your stomach, the air barely squeezing through your windpipe, the desire to sleep your life away so that you won't have to feel alone, distressed, hungry, deprived, looked down upon, and ultimately miserable. 

One of my favorite concepts from My Chemical Romance is shown in their music video for Welcome to the Black Parade. This concept can be understood by anyone who grows up always getting in trouble for minor offenses, for things that shouldn't even be punished. It is felt many who are considered delinquents because of their different mindset in comparison to their parents. I've mentioned this concept before, (I'm pretty sure I've said it more than once) but the concepts is, "starved to death in a land of plenty" For me, it means that life is out there, abundant and full, but when actually going out and attempting to live your life lands you in a terrible position at home with your parents, they monitor your every move, they take away pieces of who you are, they challenge your opinions, they tear down what little self esteem you have, they starve you to death in a land of plenty.

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Even though I have more to say, this is all for today. I apologize for its depressing nature, but this book-ish thing is meant to be a rather depressing outlet for me to pour my thoughts out in writing instead of taking my thoughts out on myself.