I toss the apple my brother gave me as I was walking out the door into a nearby garbage can, feeling guilty for wasting food. They have to know by now that there's nothing they can do to get me to eat. I'm going to be skinny or die trying.
I shove my frozen hands into my jacket pockets and walk faster, hoping it burns more calories than regular walking. My brothers think I'm still over 100 lbs, but I rigged the scale and I'm the lowest I've ever been. I refuse to gain another pound.
When I get to school I immediately became part of the background. No one notices, but no one goes out of their way to bother me. It's nice.
Everyone moves in a herd while I stand off to the side and watch, observing the rest of the world pass before my eyes. I'm crazy and everyone else is just normal. I'm fat and everyone else is just average. I'm sad and everyone else is fine. I stand out, but fit in at the same time.
First block is the longest out of all the rest. I tap my pencil impatiently, waiting for time to go quicker so I will be safe. It would be awful if my laxatives kicked in before I got home. I should have planned it out better.
When I get to the cafeteria, after a much needed stop to the bathroom, I find my usual seat all the way in the back by the garbage cans and take out my ipod, plugging it into my ears. I sit awkwardly for a while, not knowing what to do since I don't eat lunch. I know my brother will be taking note of me not eating but I didn't really care. It's my body.
Eventually I decided to write another poem to distract me from my grumbling stomach.
She Will
She'll spend hours in the mirror
Fixing her face because it isn't pretty
She'll skip a meal or two or ten
Because all the other girls are skinny
She'll draw pictures on her wrist
To hide her pain from the world
She'll swallow pills she shouldn't take
So for once she's a normal girl
She'll force fake smiles and laughes
Because guys don't like a girl that's broken
She'll stay silent and watch from afar
Because you'll hate her once she's spoken
She'll put herself through this torture
So maybe you'll love her one day
But when she thinks she's finally perfect
You'll just look the other way.
I close my notebook and sigh, doodling hearts and music notes around the front cover. I don't exactly have a crush or like anyone, but I do imagine myself having a boyfriend one day, who could help fix me. Or at least love me for me if I never get better.
My one brother is the only one whose found love and even then, he gets knocked down sometimes. I want a boyfriend who will understand me, love me and protect me when I need to be saved. In my head it's not much to ask for, considering I see it in my brother and James all the time, but on paper sometimes I feel like I ask for too much.
I gulp down a bottle and a half of water and get up halfway through lunch, heading to the bathroom quickly. I lock myself in the biggest stall and throw my bag in the corner, laying down on the floor and doing forty sit-ups. I do thirty jumping jacks, twenty squats, and ten push-ups. I'm seeing stars when I'm done, so I lie down and drink some more water until I feel fine.
The bell rang so I decide that's enough exercise until tonight and leave the bathroom stall to my next class. Bullets of sweat cover my body and my legs are shaking really badly. I convince myself I'm fine and walk down the hall quickly.
The rest of the day was easy because I paced so many water bottles in my bag this morning. It's heavy, but definitely worth it. I walked home, since I refuse to ride with my brother and his friends. How could I burn calories in a car?
When I got home, none of my brothers were home and neither was James. They all have work until nine and I have some time alone to work out on the treadmill. Hopefully I don't pass out because my brothers almost died when they came home to me lying on the floor, pale and unconscious. I don't want to do that to them again.
YOU ARE READING
Abigail
Teen Fiction(In editing) She's depressed. She's anorexic. She's suicidal. She's insecure. Abigail has grown up with her three brothers and James, never meeting her parents, who abandoned her at birth. Her brothers were left to take care of her and keep a roof o...
