All My Sins (For You To Take)

Chapter 7

You never plan to have an epiphany.

Shawn knows that’s not how it works, and yet it still hits him by surprise when it happens. He would have expected an epiphany- if he had expected one at all- to happen in a movie-scene situation, like running home through a thunderstorm, or driving with the windows down and his favorite song playing loud in his ears. He at least expects to be in the shower or something. But no. When it happens, nothing specifically is going on other than him not being able to sleep.

It’s probably at least two in the morning. He doesn’t want to roll over to check because Lori is curled up on his chest, so he doesn’t bother to look.

He can hear Sydney’s soft and steady breathing from the other side of the loft if he strains, but closer, he can hear the cat’s purring, and for whatever reason, he thinks of Lauren.

It occurs to him that he’s angry.

The night makes things simple like that. He's angry. He’s been angry at Lauren for months, and he hasn’t realized it until now, and since he’s already come to that realization, he digs a little deeper and figures that he’s angry at Lauren for leaving him. Lori, completely unaware of the big things happening under her, yawns and stretches until her paws hit Shawn's mouth.

Shawn thinks back to his birthday and Lauren’s no-warning kiss. He tries to go over every word he said, something that only the darkness lets him afford to try, and tries to remember what it was that made her so upset. He can’t come up with anything. He can only remember the things she said, and he wonders if that’s why Lauren left.

Actually, what he wonders is if the things she said were the sole reason that Lauren moved across the country.

* * * * * *

Stephen is finally wearing something other than one of his sweaters when she answers her door.

It’s only the second time he’s been in her apartment and it still feels a little awkward to her because she’s not used to having someone to impress. He’s trying too hard, like he does. She used to find it endearing but now she kind of just wants him to stop talking. She spends the first twenty minutes of his visit trying to figure out how to do that, and then she takes the wine glass out of his hand, places it on the coffee table, and kisses him.

He doesn’t complain. She doesn’t expect him to. His hands are on her hips, but she ignores it as long as she can, which turns out to be until he lowers her onto her back and hovers over her, and then her body and her heart simultaneously decide she’s had enough before her brain can catch up to be coherent about it

“Stop.”

He pulls back, ever the gentleman.

“I can’t...do this.”

“I have condoms.”

She’s not sure if she feels like laughing or crying. She doesn’t do either, just awkwardly pats his shoulder, and for once he’s perceptive enough to get it and lets her up off the couch cushions.

“I can’t do this, is what I meant. I mean, I like you! I do. I obviously do, but I think, I mean, it’s complicated.”

“Uh oh.” He laughs a little and rubs the back of his neck, which, along with his face, has started to redden with embarrassment. “I know what that means.”

Halfway through another thought, Lauren double takes.

“You do?”

“Yeah. Means there’s someone else.”

“There’s not,” she says, quickly, “not right now. I mean, I didn’t meet someone. It’s more that I’m trying to get over someone, and I don’t want to use you to do it. That’s not fair to you.”