The Anti Hero ⥤ Rick Grimes

[12] Old Friends

Tarzan cupped my face, staring down into my eyes.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, obviously looking down at my pregnant bump.
"I'm fine." I replied bitterly. Tarzan rubbed at his stubble, letting go of my face and slumping down on to the bed where I sat.
"God..." he whispered, baring emotions that were very unlike him. "You should have said something to me...I-I never would have treated you that way if I knew you were carrying my baby."
I stared up at him with anger in my eyes.
"But if I wasn't pregnant right now- I'd still be in there. I'd still be on the cold hard ground with no light and slim to no food. That- that's why I didn't say anything."
Tarzan parted his lips, bowing his head.
"I-I'm not a bad guy, Checkers. You have to understand me when I say this. I can't do it without you. I can't lead all of these people without you. I need you."
He was possessive- and sociopathic. A sociopath's baby was inside me.
"So what? You were going to scare me so bad that I'd never leave?" There was so much venom in my voice. So much hatred. I didn't even intend for it to come out that way. It just did.
"Yes. If that's what I had to do in order to keep you here with me- then yes."
There was a knock on the door, and Richard entered.
"Hey, JJ, Boss. Mikey broke his wrist on a run, you think you could patch him up?" Richard asked me. I sucked in the air- and then stood up.
"This isn't over, Checkers." Tarzan called. I turned around, shooting him a glare.
"Yes it is." I snap back, shutting the door behind me.

It's dawn break, and the sky is a beautiful blue and orange colour. I sit cross legged on the dirt trail road, staring at the long zig zagging line of road ahead of me. I'd sat here for at least three hours. Talking to myself, sharpening my knife. For a while I just lied in the dirt and stared at the sky.

I was waiting.

If Rick and his group had left that message on the church and they were in Atlanta, then on the way back they'd have to meet me right on this very road.

There were no walkers- and it was like the world had stopped. Until it began moving again- and the white car came rumbling down the road. Followed by a fire truck.

I stood up, holding my knife. The car drove to at least a metre in front of me- and it stopped. My heart stopped.
My breath hitched in my throat as Rick got out of the car. His lips curled into a small smile- but there was this underlining sadness to his face. I smiled.
"You got the message." Rick gripped the car door- and the fire truck pulled up behind the white car.
"Thanks for that." I walked past him, opening the car door. He looked back at me.
"Just so we're clear." I analysed his face and it made me happy. Not in a weird creepy way- just because I didn't know if I'd see it again. It was good. I was glad. Also because he was handsome in a kind of tough and rough at the edges way. I resembled myself to Rick Grimes. He was flawed. He was in no way perfect- but he led his people right.
"I didn't leave. I won't leave. I'm here. I'm staying for good."
Rick nodded and I slid into the car.

We drove for a while- and it was silent. I watched the tree line as we headed west. Everything was green. Everything was alive. Things were alive.

Rick stopped the car, and everyone got out. A rest stop, Michonne called it. Carl, Michonne and Daryl crawled out of the car. Everyone but Rick and I. It was dark inside- but I could see the back of his head. I looked down at my hands. He sighed heavily.
"Those people, from Terminus? They were cannibals. Had a few of us surrounded in the church. They took Bob. Took his leg. We came an' killed em'."
I nodded, pressing my lips into a thin line.
"And then Glenn, Maggie, Abraham, Eugene and Rosita went for Washington without us. Bob passed. Daryl came back with a location for Maggie's younger sister- Beth. They were holed up in Grady's Memorial hospital, Atlanta. Killed Beth."
Rick paused, rubbing his beard. My shoulders sagged and my eyes prickled with tears. I didn't even know Beth...neither did I know Bob. It was just sad.
"JJ? Eugene was lying. There ain't no cure in Washington."
And then a tear left my eye. I wiped it away quickly, biting at my lip.
"Why the fuck would he lie?" I gritted, pressing my eyes together tightly.
"For protection. Somethin' like that. New kid Noah says his old group might have a camp west from here. Beth was gonna get him to it. Figures it's right we get him back to his family."
"Okay." I whispered, feeling fractured with a loss of hope.
"Gareth, the leader of Terminus- told us he'd seen you and scared you away. That's how I knew you hadn't run. That's why I left you the message. But JJ, it's been days. Where were you?" Rick seemed hurt. I could hear it in his voice. Stripped away, in the comfort of the darkened car, he must have felt like he could show his emotion. Leader's were human too- and every death took a little bit out of them.
"Rick..." I stared, tears pooling in my eyes. "I never told you everything. Everything. It's because I didn't know if I could stay...but I know I need to stay with you. So I need to tell you everything."

Rick nodded.

And I decided to tell Rick the very disturbing, sad story of who I was.

"In the beginning it was Tarzan, me, a couple of others. We were a part of another community. But Tarzan wanted more. He wanted to leave. So he preached a sanctuary and people followed him. We didn't have much, but together with our strength in leading, we gained a lot. But Tarzan changed. He became evil, power craving. We were constantly put in danger- he was constantly killing people. I...I had enough. He was beginning to threaten me. To be possessive. And that's when I stopped loving him- but I couldn't be done with him. Me and a guy named Richard were going to leave- but I couldn't...because I fell pregnant. But Tarzan...Jesus, Rick, he got really bad. I couldn't even recognise him. I was maybe two months along and I knew I needed to leave. I left. They searched for me. Tarzan's second in command found me. His name is Cal- and I shot him in the leg to stop him from taking me back. None of that mattered because a month or so later Tarzan dragged me back."

By now I was crying. The tears were running down my face as I outlived every single nightmare.

"He stuck me in isolation. I don't know how long. I couldn't see light. I couldn't hear anything but white noise. I was so scared I'd lose the baby- but I didn't know if I wanted it. I was too much of a coward to tell him I had the baby. He eventually let me out...and I continued to work just like before. Cal and his wife Alison were also expecting a baby. They were maybe two months ahead of me with the pregnancy. I cared for them right until the moment their baby miscarried. It was a still born."

I stared outside the window, at Carl holding Judith. I watched the baby wriggle in his arms. I wanted that. I needed that.

"I felt horrible. They were so in love with the idea of being parents. They were so in love with their baby. I felt horrible because they had lost the baby they wanted and I still had the baby I didn't want. A week or so passed and Tarzan left for a new project. A second compound. He spent a few weeks there. During the second week I went into labour and gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen. Her name is Victoria. Tori. I loved her so much...Rick. But I didn't want this life for her. I knew that I couldn't do it. I gave her to Cal and Alison. They promised to raise her as their own. And then I left. I left and it's been more than a year."

My breath hitched in my throat as I wiped away all of the tears, I cleared my throat. It was time to be strong.

"When I ran from the Terminus people a couple of days ago I found a group. Cal's group. Him, his wife and Richard had left Tarzan with Tori not long after me. They have this tiny camp. They keep themselves hidden among walkers. It's smart. I had a shower...I had food. Alison is dead...and Cal begged me to stay and be Victoria's mother."

I was silent. I didn't know how much longer I could talk. It felt like every word pierced me like sharp daggers.

"Why didn't you?" He asked, his voice calm, which calmed me.

"Because she's not safe with me. Not with the way I am. I want to fix myself- and when we find a stable home, a camp, I'm going to go back for her. For Cal. I know she's safe with them for now. I know that they're safe. I just had to make sure she would always be safe."

Rick nodded.
"You're strong, JJ. You've been through more than I thought accountable. I understand. My kids? There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for them."

I rubbed my hands to stop them from shaking, smiling an uneasy smile.
"Rick...I want you to know that I wanted to come back. That I want to be a part of your group. And I'm not saying it like I said it before. I don't mean trailing two metres behind everyone while we walk- or keeping to myself. I want to be with you. Be with everyone. I don't care about Washington, about the cure. Because shit happens and there isn't anything we can do about it. We should go to the camp. We should get Noah to his family. We should get to a camp...because I'm missing my baby girl. I'm missing myself...and I think it's because a piece of me resides in her."
"Thank you for telling me all of this..." Rick whispered. "I want this for you, JJ. You've been fightin' for too long. You need to rest easy. We'll get somewhere. Somewhere for Carl, Judith and Victoria to rest easy."