Life of the Party

Take me to church

"Wakin' up to kiss you and nobody's there,

The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air,

It's hard...

Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running 'round

It's funny how things never change in this old town

So far from the stars..."

It had been over a month since Bucky had left. Exactly 48 days of getting up in the morning, going about his day, and feeling as if his life had lost its purpose.

In a way, it had.

Steve sighed, staring at a blank canvas that would usually be filled with a rainbow of colors at this point. Ranging from the vibrant yellow's that represented happiness to the vivid reds reflecting his anger.

He'd lost those colors 48 days ago, and was now facing a palette of pastels. Dull, and lacking any emotion.

Giving up on his attempt at creativity, the blond secluded himself to his room, no longer at the hotel with Bucky gone, and fell back onto his bed where he tiredly put his earbuds in.

The same lyrics he'd had on repeat drifted through the speakers, sending him back to the night of his coming out party. The last time he could remember being happy, dancing to the sound of Nial's voice while he held Bucky close. The notes painted such a vivid picture in his mind: The smell of his baby's cologne, the heat of the other man's body pressed up against him as they swayed together, lost in the moment.

The regret.

"And I want to tell you everything

The words I never got to say the first time around..."

He'd finally told Bucky he loved him, though his words had been lost in the wind, watching as the love of his life disappeared from his sight.

"And I remember everything

From when we were the children playing in this fairground

Wish I was there with you now."

Steve realized he would give anything to go back to when they were kids, not knowing Bucky was secretly in love with him. If he had known, maybe he could have loved him too. 

And so it went, day after day, sinking deeper and deeper into whatever pit he was slowly slipping into. 

The word depression was floating like a cloudy haze in front of him.

He couldn't find joy in his life anymore, barely left his room, shut himself off from the rest of the outside world. It was his way of dealing with the grief and loss of the missing piece of his heart. 

His heart, like a glass sculpture, was now shattered into millions of pieces.

~~~

A loud knock sounded at his door, stirring him from a deep, dream-filled sleep. He'd been with Bucky, had about to tell him he loved him... just like every single night before. He had woken up right before the words slipped out of his mouth, every single time. "Damn it," He swore, tiredly rubbing his eyes as he got out of bed. He quickly pulled on a shirt and sweatpants before making his way over to the door, irritation evident in his gaze. The knock came again, more persistent this time and a half second later he unlocked the bolt, swinging the door open.

"Natasha? The hell are you doing here?" His voice came out hoarse, the crying and lack of use finally having taken its toll.  By the look on Natasha's face, it was apparent she was taking in his appearance, hair a mess, gaze tired and looking overall broken.