Do You Still Love Me

Depression

The car ride home was quiet. It was different from their normal quiet car rides, this silence wasn't peaceful like it used to be. The soundless ride felt forced like they were both holding back what they wanted to discuss. Levi couldn't help but feel somber at the thought that Eren was holding back his internal battles. All he wanted to do was help his lover through it. He couldn't bare the thought of Eren's depression becoming worse, he knew what strain that would put on Eren.

By the time Levi had escaped his worrisome thoughts he was shutting the car off.

They walked up to the house and silently made their way inside. They set their stuff down and not a moment later Eren had walked up behind Levi wrapping his arms around him. This hug was different than their previous ones, almost as if it was desperate, a cry for help.

"When are you meeting Erwin," He asked placing his head on his lover's shoulder his tone was monotone, making sure Levi wouldn't be able to read it.

"I'll be leaving in a few minutes," Levi hesitated to answer the question that caught him off guard. 'I forgot I told him I would be meeting Erwin.' Levi thought knowing he almost screwed up big time by asking what he had meant.

Eren's voice softened,"alright, don't drink too much, and if you need a ride home call me," Eren said making sure that Levi knew he wanted him back safely. Eren had never been found of even the thought of drinking, he knew he couldn't stop Levi from doing it but he himself shied away from anything with the slightest bit of alcohol.

"Don't worry, I know my limit, and I will," Levi said running his fingers through his lover's slightly tangled yet soft locks of his brunette hair. "Get some rest." He said before Eren released Levi from his embrace and starting to head up the stairs. 

Levi felt his heart ache for a moment as Eren let go of him. He knew Eren desperately wanted to hold onto him and tell him not to go, and if this was any other meeting with a friend he would've called them up with an excuse before following Eren up the stairs and cuddling up next him. Levi sighed and grabbed what he needed before heading out.

Eren sure was tired and he knew he needed to sleep off all of the memories that has been harassing him throughout the day, but as he laid on the bed wide awake he started to believe that sleep was a beautiful myth. He stared at the ceiling of the dark room unable to close his eyes. His thoughts started to twist, distorting themselves into horrid memories, his thoughts darkening into the horribly unimaginable scenarios that he wouldn't even wish on his worst enemies. He tried to shake them off but nothing worked. He curled up in a ball keeping his knees close to his chest as his tears silently began to fall. He felt hopeless, he couldn't cry out for help, even if he did no one would hear him. 

He laid there motionless as he helplessly tried to fight the tears. 'I don't know why this is happening now.' Eren thought, 'I didn't think it was this bad, but it's worse than I've ever faced.' He admitted to himself as his depression consumed him again taking control.

Eren's worst fear was coming true, his life was being run by depression yet again. At first, he thought he had gotten it under control, but now he felt like depression is something you can never escape. You could only get a little distance before it catches up to you again, and it always comes back stronger than before, and sometimes it has friends.

Depression, a monstrous demon that controls people's lives. It slowly but surely devours them. It seemed that no amount of fighting could stop it, it just continued to drain every ounce of life from its victims. Leaving them in nothing more than shriveled piles of snot, tears, and self-doubt.People turn into nothing more than empty shells left to wonder without a purpose.

Eren laid there for what felt like hours as emptiness caged up his heart in a jail cell. His silent sobs began to burn his throat as he tried to hush the cries from escaping. his eyes were bloodshot and swollen from the tears mercilessly streaming down his face.

Hearing the familiar buzz of his phone,  he sat up. He debated about even checking the message, but he was glad he did.

"Made it to the bar safely, have fun at Hanji's. Love you Eren." Levi's text was able to pull Eren back to reality for a minute, it was long enough for him to get a grip on his depression. He checked the time to see an hour had wasted away. He sighed and walked into the bathroom to clean himself up.

He blew his red runny nose and lightly splashed some water on his face. He gently dabbed at his puffy eyes that had almost swollen shut from the harsh sobbing.

"I can beat this," Eren said facing himself in the mirror. "I won't let this control me anymore." He said with determination. He had so much to fight for. His amazing life, with his loving boyfriend. His friends who loved his so dearly. His future in which he could decide his own fate. "I can do this," Eren said one more time taking a deep breath.

He no longer felt like sleeping, he didn't think he could even if he tried. So instead he had gone into the spare room, which Levi had turned into an art room for him. When Levi had given him the room for work he told him he wouldn't mind if he wanted to paint on the walls. In response, each wall had different murals on it, each with its own intricate designs that blended so nicely with the other walls contrasting themes. Levi would come in and just stare at them every once in a while finding new details he didn't realize the times before.

He grabbed a medium sized canvas and some of the paint and decided for the next hour he would paint something to get his emotions out, art had always been kind of therapeutic for him.

He was just finishing up the painting adding the last finishing detail. The painting was a beautiful golden angel whose light was dimming, that was standing in the center of the canvas. Its arm was outstretched, reaching towards the viewer. It was surrounded by hellish fire. On the angel there was shackles so tight blood was dripping from its ankles and wrists. The chains were getting tugged on by demons in the background that were trying to drag it back into the flames. Eren signed the painting in the bottom right-hand corner and put down his brush.

He was just about to clean up when he heard his phone ring. He carefully grabbed the phone in order to not get any paint on it. He read the name and couldn't help but get confused. 'Why is Erwin calling? Did something happen?' Eren thought before answering. "Hello," Eren said patiently.

"Hey Eren, sorry to call so suddenly I just wanted to check up on you." He said sweetly.

"Did Levi put you up to this?" Eren asked confused.

"Um, no. Why did something happen between you two?" Erwin asked clearly confused by the unusual assumption.

"No, I just- I'm fine. Is Levi with you." Eren asked now baffled about why Erwin was calling him, wasn't Levi there with him.

"No, why? Should he be?" Erwin asked bewildered by the question.