Self Harm, Depression and Fake Smiles. - ( Niall Horan Fanfic)

Chapter 20.

Dear Diary,

I have a new diary now, which I must stick to. So, it's 10:43pm Wednesday January 29th, 2014. I'm not sure why that's important, but I guess it is. Chloe still isn't home from being out with her cousin, I've texted her but had no response. I got her McDonalds this morning, which I ended up eating. I broke down on the way there with no explanation why.

That happens to me a lot though. Having depression sucks. I've cried all after noon and have cut myself.. once again. I suppose I'm used to it, but I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I know my days are limited. I shouldn't write that, but it's true. I must get away from everything that's causing me pain and I believe killing myself would be my path to freedom.

My mother still hasn't called or contacted me in anyway and I haven't spoken to Harry or the lads in a few days. I'm getting lonely without them, so I need to make plans to see them. I'm going to stop writing now, because I probably sound so pathetic. I'm not sure how to finish diary entry's, I haven't done one in a while. But hey ho.. goodnight.

Love always, Niall.

I close my diary and place it in the drawer in my locker. I see the familiar black box which I put back in there only an hour or so ago. My arms are covered in dried blood and several bloody tissues fill the bin. I broke down. I don't know why. But as I said in my diary, I'm sick of living this way.

Chloe still isn't home and her phone is turned off. She said she would be home this afternoon, but obviously she's having a good time without me. I turn the light off and watch the football, until I drift off to sleep.

* * *

"Come on lads!" I shout at the TV. I'm watching more football and starting to get a bit hungry. I should probably get some dinner, but I can't be bothered. Ten minutes or so later, it's half time. Which also means food time. I rise to my feet and walk towards the window ledge to check my phone. 12:46pm and Chloe still isn't home yet.

I spoke too soon. A black car pulls up and I see Chloe sitting in the passenger seat. She leans over and kisses the driver on the cheek. It's a brown haired male, but he doesn't really look like Chloe. He leans over and kisses her cheek in return, something I personally wouldn't do to my cousin. She gets out of the car and walks towards my front her. Her cousin watches her walk away, then turns towards the window and spots me. He nods his head and drives away.

The front door opens then shuts a few seconds later. I've moved from the window ledge, into the kitchen. Chloe eventually walks into the kitchen.

"Hey" She says, giving me a big smile.

"Y'alright. Bit late home aren't you?" I return the smile.

"Uh yeah sorry, places over-ran a bit". She looks down at her feet then back up to me.

"It's ok babe. How was yesterday?" I ask, stirring my newly made mug of coffee.

"It was good, we just watched some films and bonded like old times". She laughs. She's leaning against the wall and keeps looking at her feet.

"How's your cousin?" I ask.

"She's good" Her cheeks blush slightly and she starts twirling her hair in her fingers.

"She? Who dropped you off home? Because I'm sure that wasn't a girl". My voice raises slightly, as I know she's lying.

"Niall, please don't get mad.."

"Mad? Why would I get mad, Chloe? Who was it?" I ask, my voice is stern and my heart beat picks up. She doesn't answer, so I ask again.

"Chloe, who was it?". She takes another second before she gives me a response.

"Niall, you have to hear me out.." She begins, I nod in return and wait to hear what she has to say.

"His names Joel, we're just friends, we s-spent the day together, b-but nothing else". She stutters while she takes. A sign of nervousness.

"You told me you were with your cousin".

"I wasn't, I'm sorry, Joel's my- my ex b-boyfriend" She stutters again and walks towards me, going in for a hug. I place my mug on the side and back away, not allowing her to hug me.

"You're ex boyfriend?! What the fuck, Chloe?!" I raise my voice and walk to the opposite side of the kitchen, where she was originally standing.

"I'm sorry, he asked me too meet him, so I did, I couldn't tell you, but I was going to, I swear!". Her eyes water and I feel my heart sink. She's lied to me.

"Chloe, look me in the eyes and tell me that nothing happened". She doesn't. She stares at the ground.

"Fucking look at me!" I shout, not realising how loud I'm actually raising my voice to the girl I love.

"I- I cant". What? She can't?

"What happened then, Chloe?". I try to control my anger and my breathing, but I'm not successful. I can't help but feel sick as hell, knowing my girl has been with someone else. I'm loosing everything and Chloe was one of the only things keeping me here. Now I'm not so sure.

"Let me explain everything" Her eyes are still watering and she looks extremely guilty. I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, placing myself on the sofa. As she walks over and takes a seat next to me, I get even more upset. I'm sadder than I am angry. I think. She takes me hand and looks surprised when I don't pull away.

"Ok, he wanted to speak to me, but didn't say what about. Originally I said no, until he rang me that morning in the kitchen and told me he had come all the way to London to visit me. We only watched films, until he started talking about memories and stuff, then talked about when we did stuff during the day, I couldn't stop him then. He took control of everything, I honestly couldn't stop him. I didn't touch him though, he only touched me, he fingered me but that was it, I promise" She cries.

Literally cries. Tears stream down her face and she sobs into her hands. I sit there, like I'm emotionless. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to reply. There's nothing to say. Right now, I just want to crawl in a ball and die. She looks up into my eyes and studies them for a second.

"Niall, say something". She sniffs.

"What is there to say, Chloe? The girl I love has cheated on me. Lied to me. Made me feel like I'm nothing to her. What is there to say?" I say, staring into the distance.

"I'm so, so sorry". She cries, again.

I sit there still. A million thoughts run through my head. Many of them thinking of ways I can just leave. Leave this horrible life. Leave this cruel world, for good.