Self Harm, Depression and Fake Smiles. - ( Niall Horan Fanfic)

Chapter 35.

It's now been two weeks since I met Hannah for the first time. Although we haven't known each other long, the way we have a laugh with each other in our letters, makes it seem like I've known her for ages.

My '30 days to live' plan is now over. I reached 30 days and I was still here. I know I said that if things didn't get better, I would give up and take my own life, but that plan changed I suppose. I mean, things didn't get better, things just changed.

I haven't seen Chloe since the night she stormed out of the restaurant. I don't really want to see her again if I'm honest. The time we were together was fun, but she turned out to be somebody I didn't want to be around. The way she treated me was wrong and I should have seen it earlier.

Since I met Hannah, Management has announced that we are adding more dates to our tour, which starts in a few days. We announced it last year and as normal, our ticket sales were through the roof. It's weird to think that people actually want to come and see us.

I saw my councillor too, since I met Hannah. She told me how I need to feel more confident about myself and I need to realise that One Direction wouldn't be as big if it wasn't for me, because according to her,

"Every member in a bad is equal to the next. None is greater than anyone else, no matter what people think."

Turns out that I missed my scheduled appointment with her by about a week. I guess I got my dates wrong. We didn't arrange another appointment either, so I don't know when I'm going to be seeing her again.

I've cut again too. I don't know why, I guess I was just feeling low. It was bad of me, I thought I wouldn't be doing that again for a long time. But something came over me, some kind of adrenalin. I couldn't stop it, it was like something was taking over my body that I just couldn't fight off. I tried, I really did.

I didn't do it as much and nowhere near as deep as usual, I think that's a good thing. I'm getting better at handling things. I wish I was like Harry though, from what I know he hasn't cut for a long time. I remember when Harry and I were down at that lake thing in Holmes Chapel. That's when I saw his scars.

I don't think he cuts anymore. At least, he never lets on that he does. He can wear short sleeved t-shirts, as only a small amount of scars are there and they're incredibly hard to see. Even if you go up close to him, you can't see them. But, he still tends to wear a jacket wherever he goes. In a way, he was smart, as he only cut his belly, or so I can remember.

There's a quote that reminds me of Harry, it says:

Some people see scars, and it is wounding they remember. To me they are proof of the fact that there is healing.

I'm not sure why. I guess he is just a reminder that things do get better, hence the reason that I'm still alive after my '30 days to live' challenge type thing.

I'm separated from my thoughts when Paul is nudging me, telling me to get out of the car. I guess the ride to the hospital gave me chance to think things over. We've all come back to the hospital to visit our 'buddies'. I'm quite exited to see Hannah again and I cant wait to give her one of the biggest surprises of her life. We've managed to get each of our buddies tickets to an upcoming tour date.

She said in one of, or several of her letters that one of her dreams is to come and see us live. Now that more tour dates have been announced, we can fulfil one of her dreams, just like our were fulfilled back in the X - Factor days.

Walking down the hospital corridors, I'm faced with the struggle of it being a hot day, but not being able to take my jacket off. Last time I was with Hannah, I took my coat off, but not my jacket. Today, I'm going to over come a fear. I'm going to roll my sleeves up on my jacket if I get too hot. I know it sounds like nothing to somebody else, but it would be a big step for me.

There's no doubt in my mind that she's going to ask why my arms are covered in horrible scars, but I'm okay with that, I think. I need to stop being so ashamed with myself and I need to face the truth. These scars that I have are for life and people are going to have to learn to accept that, as hard as it may be for me.

Walking into Hannah's room and seeing her face light up is one of the best feelings ever. She smiles deeply and signals for me to come over to the bed and sit down on the chair next to it. I look around as I walk towards the chair and notice a new poster on her wall. It's another poster of me.

"New poster huh?" I smile at her. She nods sheepishly and without giving it much thought, I walk out of the room, leaving her sitting with a confused look on her face. I ask a near by doctor if I could borrow a pen. Returning to the room, I walk over to the poster and begin to write on the empty background space on the poster.

"Keep smiling. Love Niall xo".

Exiting the room again quickly, I return the pen to the doctor, then go and sit with Hannah. Her eyes fill with tiny tears, of joy I hope. 

"Thank you." She smiles.

"No problem." I say, giving her a hug before sitting down.

"So, how have you been kiddo?!" I ask and she smiles again.

"Not bad, the doctor has said that I'm getting slightly better." She says, tucking her hair behind her ear on one side.

"That's amazing news! Well done dude!" I reply, giving her a high five.

"Not much better, but any form of improvement is a result I guess." She half laughs.

"Yano what, I think we should celebrate." I say to her.

"How?" Hannah responds.

I unzip my jacket slightly and stick my hand inside, pulling out an envelope with Hannah's name written on it. I hand it to her and wait for the reaction I'm hooping for.

Hannah opens the envelope and her eyes widen when she pulls out two tickets to see us, in the front section of the arena.

A squeal escapes her mouth and she begins to cry. I give her a hug, hoping to stop her from crying. She thanks me, over and over and over again. Her body trembles and shakes in my arms and I tighten my grip. I lean back and look her in the eyes, all I see is pure happiness. Something I wish I could see in myself sometimes.

An hour and a bit flies past as Hannah and I talk about anything and everything. I've been feeling really hot for about 5 - 10 minutes and I've decided that I need to do something about it. Without making it obvious, I roll up my sleeves and rest my arms back on her bed, just like before.

Her smile and laugh quickly fade as she looks down at my torn, scarred arms. Ever so gently, she runs her fingers over my cuts, earning a small wince from me.

"Battle scars." She says, running her index finger over an old scar. I nod without saying anything.

"It's okay, Niall. I know people are touchy and sensitive about things like this. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I just hope you're not in pain anymore." She says, I feel my mouth drop slightly once the final words come out of her mouth.

Stuttering slightly, I manage to speak up.

"H-how? How do you know so m-much about it?" I ask, wondering why a 13 year old would know about scars.

"I've seen battle scars before, Niall.." She pauses.

"My sister had them, before the angels took her away."

As she finishes that sentence, I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.